Someone with eating issues never recovers.
It is an ongoing battle that most people do not or can not understand.
It is looking into a mirror and not seeing what you really look like. What you see, is distorted. It is looking down at your thighs and seeing them as huge instead of how they really look.
Most people will never understand. Only the ones who struggle can. The ones who struggle to eat three meals a day. The ones who struggle by not seeing the 'real' you reflected back from the other side of the mirror.
Forcing yourself to eat, even when you are not hungry.
Trying not to notice, if your clothes fit a little tighter.
Someone recently told me, 'I don't normally tell a woman when they gain weight, but it looks good on you.'
Ok, first of all, I realize that it came from a non-hurting place and they were trying to compliment me.
But, in reality, it was probably the worst thing that could have been said.
I immediately stepped back into 'that' place.
It bothered me, and the more I thought about it, the more of an issue it became.
I looked into the mirror with a critical eye again.
I didn't like what I saw. I noticed that my clothes did indeed fit a little tighter.
I also fell back into a very unhealthy eating habit. I cut down to tinier portions and less meals a day. It was the only way I knew to lose weight fast.
Then, I decided that a fast would be better, at least then i would be consuming juices.
After a few days of this, I noticed that the weight was dropping off., but did I stop? No.
I enrolled in a gymand walked on the treadmill for an hour and a half at a fast pace.
By this time, I was actually consuming less calories than I was burning off.
Unhealthy, unhealthy, unhealthy.
It was like, I knew better, but couldn't stop. Somewhere in my mind, I knew this had to stop. I was full blown, back in 'that' place. Well, not totally, because I was still eating.
I knew this was unhealthy. Part of my mind knew it, but the other part struggled with it. I decided that I had to stop, before I got sick or worse.
I found myself going back to what had always helped in the past. I picked up my yoga mat. I meditated.
I started eating more and better. I forced myself to eat. I had no appetite at all, but I forced the food down. Tiny portions turned into moderate portions.
Slowly, I began to eat more and exercise less.
Slowly, I began to find my way out of 'that' place.
Slowly, I began to realize that I was just seeing that distorted image in the mirror again.
Slowly, I began to feel better, to be more in control and not listen to that inner voice inside me that criticized everything.
Yoga had helped again.
It brought mefurther and deeper inside myself. It helped me to see where i was now and where I was heading. It 'woke' me up and opened my eyes.
Some people will get this, others won't.
Some people will understand this struggle, others won't.
Some will relate to these words, others can not even begin to understand.
This is not something that just happened.
Oh no, this came from years of ballet and gymnastic teachers constantly criticizing the way young girls look. Any weight that was gained, girls were made to feel ashamed about.
This was caused by how society worships thin, perfect bodies.
This was caused by the media, magazines, tv, etc., and it's false and fake images of how a woman should look.
This is a result of all of these things and young girls struggling to just be.