Aloneness and loneliness are two different things.
We don’t have to feel lonely when we are alone.
We’ve been told through various stories, movies and literature that only the presence of another person in our life can help us to alleviate the void we feel inside and make us feel whole and valid. With an imprinted pattern like this, we lose confidence in ourselves. We tend to believe that unless there is another person in the world that sees us as valuable and worth their Love and attention – we will never be complete on our own.
What follows is that many of us tend to jump into relationships without having any idea how to love and create a happy relationship. It further results in either moving from partner to partner and not being able to settle down, or settling down with one partner in a dysfunctional relationship – full of regrets, blame, power struggle, lack of respect for each other, and pure unhappiness.
While being in a happy relationship is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to a human being, seeking Love for all the above reasons only leads to disappointment and emotional wounds.
We feel lonely only when we cannot find our happiness within.
The truth is that our happiness is our own responsibility, and it is not our partner’s/spouse’s job to make us happy. When we are expecting from them what is certainly not up to them to give us – we end up unhappy with them and our relationship becomes a problem.
In order to have a fulfilling, loving relationship with others, we need to find out how we can become whole on our own. And then – we can share our completeness with our partner, instead of expecting him/her to complete us.
Aloneness and loneliness are two different things. We don’t have to feel lonely when we are alone.
Most of us are used to being constantly preoccupied with something, either working, pursuing our goals or filling up our free time with entertainment in various forms.
While as human beings we always long for Love and company, at the same time in order to evolve and grow into our own power to become whole we need to spend some time alone. We need to find out who we truly are, and what we want to bring to the world.
7 Steps to living happily on your own:
Step 1: Become self-sufficient.
Try doing activities on your own before asking for help or wanting someone to come along. If you usually like to be accompanied to a party, movie theater, music concert etc., try going alone. It might be interesting to find out how you feel about being among people on your own and connecting with strangers, or how you can enjoy the entertainment without sharing your feelings and thoughts with another.
Step 2: Explore your interests.
There are so many things in the world for us to explore: from art or writing to cooking, from dancing or playing an instrument to hiking, from taking care of a pet or gardening to travelling. The vast abundance of possibilities for what we can do is endless. The more you practice engaging in your interests alone, the easier it will be.
Step 3: Build your tolerance for being alone, and enjoying it.
Start with simple activities, such as going for walks, going out to eat, shopping or exploring other parts of the town where you live. Avoid drinking alcohol or using other substances to cope with your moods. Remember, escaping from your emotions that way will only cause you more anxiety. Keep reminding yourself that being alone and being lonely are two different things. We can be alone without feeling lonely.
Step 4: Soothe and pamper yourself.
Being alone gives us a wonderful opportunity to put all our attention on ourselves. Nurture yourself with healthy, tasty meals. Avoid chocolate, it will cause a sugar crash and you will feel down after a “sweet-binge”. Listen to music while relaxing in your favorite armchair or take a long bubble bath. Buy yourself flowers or a ticket to a football game – go there alone. Do whatever your heart desires while you treat yourself like a Queen or King – of course without hurting yourself or endangering your well-being.
Step 5: Increase your positivity. Yes, you can do that. Whenever a negative thought comes to your mind, tell it: Stop! Replace it with a positive thought. Remember: Your thoughts are YOUR thoughts. You can do what you want with them.
Step 6: Be active and exercise.
The best way to raise the serotonin levels is to engage into a short, 5-10 minute long activity that makes us out of breath or sweating: such as running or dancing. Put on your favorite music and dance for a good 5 to 10 minutes. That will make you happy more than you think. However, if you want to lose weight, don’t engage in any excessive exercise since it will make you feel exhausted and it will suppress your hormones, leading to more weight gain, instead of losing it. Excessive exercising serves different purposes, such as building muscle tissue.
Step 7: Learn who you are and find your purpose.
Whatever is most important to you, whatever you find most valuable in your life – find ways to contribute to it. Purpose may mean different things for different people. For some, their career gets priority in their life, for others it will be family values or spirituality, yet others find social change or helping others most important. Whatever makes you “tick” on a deeper level – may be worthy exploring. Look inside your Heart and see what it tells you.
Don’t be afraid of your Heart. It can never be lonely when you fill it up with purpose, and open yourself to Love.
About the author: Johanna Kern is a transformational teacher, filmmaker and multiple award-winning author of “365 (+1) Affirmations to Create A Great Life”, “Secrets of Love for Everyone”, “Master and the Green-Eyed Hope”, etc. She practices and shares the Master Teachings of HOPE, helping people to find their own power and progress in all areas of life. Her story received international attention, winning praise by readers in North America and Europe, and endorsement by three world-renowned experts: Stanley Krippner, Ph.D., Jerry Solfvin, Ph.D., and Brian Van der Horst.