To Whom It May Concern:
It’s not easy being me.
My heart has been broken.
I’m living in hell.
No one loves me.
No one cares.
I fear. I fear. I fear.
What’s with all the stares?
To Whom It May Concern:
Having no friends is no easy matter.
For the sake of my well-being, please, please, please be kind.
Yes, I’m going to try.
It seems I’ve been frozen in time.
I get queasy wishing it were all so easy.
To Whom It May Concern:
My soul has scars.
People are cruel.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m all alone, often put in a corner for all to see.
I cry and cry and cry and cry, even though I don’t know why.
If God is real, why can’t I heal?
And So It Began
Everything changed during my very first class at Delphi University, a school for psychic development and spiritual growth. Delphi University was founded by Patricia Hayes in 1974, and it is located in the Blue Ridge Mountains in McCaysville, Georgia. Delphi University offers classes in spiritual training, energy healing, intuitive development, transpersonal psychology, and self-enlightenment studies. The teachers and healers at Delphi University create an indescribable experience for the students. Classes at Delphi University are highly concentrated. So when taking a class at Delphi, you stay on the campus twenty-four hours a day. You never actually leave Delphi during classes. Each class usually lasts between five and seven consecutive days. With an abundance of spiritual energy running around at Delphi, it’s an extraordinary place to grow, heal, and transform.
I was told about Delphi University when I asked a psychic reader about where to go to learn more about my abilities. The reader suggested a couple of places, and one of them was Delphi. I liked what I saw on the website, so I decided to jump in with both feet, and I signed up for in-depth channeling. Not knowing what to expect didn’t seem to bother me. I was open to whatever was going to come.
In the beginning my only intention in going to Delphi was to learn psychic development. Growing, healing, and transforming were not even on my radar screen at the time. It was at Delphi University where I learned the unthinkable. I learned I am worthy of love. Honestly, I never ever knew that I could be loved—believe it or not!
It was an absolute stranger who touched the deepest part of my soul. That’s when the miracle took place. An emotional breakthrough of gargantuan proportions touched the innermost core of my being, sparking a light within me to burn ever so bright! The kindness shown to me I will never, ever forget. During the in-depth channeling class, the students gave readings to each other, and the teacher paired up the students. Why was I paired up with this particular student? I don’t know. Obviously, the teacher definitely knew what she was doing because if that pairing didn’t happen, well, none of the rest would have ever occurred. That student showed me kindness, genuine kindness. “It” happened during the student readings. I was completely caught off guard when that classmate told me that I was beautiful, and a loving person. As the student continued stating more caring and thoughtful personality traits; I began to cry. What I was expecting? I don’t know, but I definitely wasn’t expecting to get what I got.
By the end of the class, I was overcome with sadness at the thought I would have to leave Delphi and go back to the real world. That one class completely changed me in every way possible. I was beginning to feel! My journey had begun. My world was shifting and so was I. I would remain positive, and not let all the idiots of the world stop me.
I have always been told not to listen to what people say to me, about me. However, being thick-skinned is difficult for me. How exactly am I supposed to stop being overly sensitive?
Breaking down the beliefs, limitations, and barriers from my childhood is what I need to concentrate on to become strong. I grew up not having many choices. Basically, I was told what to do and what not to do. When one of my siblings did something he or she wasn’t allowed to do, I would get yelled at. I would get in trouble for stuff I didn’t even do. It seemed as if my mother enjoyed yelling at me, because she did it so frequently. Looking back now, I don’t think she enjoyed much of her life. In less than three years she had three children and was married to an alcoholic husband, whose idea of support was bringing home a paycheck and little else. Most of the time, it was as if she was a single parent—except, of course, for that alcoholic component.
Consequently, I spent most of my life doing what was expected of me regardless of my feelings or opinions, because that didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. My opinion was seldom sought out. I was told what to like and dislike. I was not allowed to be me, not allowed to have a free thought of my own. There was no reason to say what I was thinking. Even if I did speak up, no one listened to me. My speaking had the same effect as talking to a brick wall.
Being so different sidetracked me for a long time as I lived in my world of nowhere.
Silence Is Worse Than Yelling
Eventually, I came to assume everyone I came into contact with was going to be cruel to me, bully me, or just plain hate me. I did the only thing I could do to protect myself from all the people around me. I acted as if all the ugliness thrown at me didn’t matter. I pretended that it all had no effect on me whatsoever. Since I had no control over other people, I couldn’t stop any of the hatred. I had no power. What’s a little kid supposed to do when her family is being viciously cruel?
Therefore, over time I built a strong and exquisitely beautiful fence of protection all around myself, though I wasn’t conscious of doing it at the time. At a still very young age, the fence was built, and as the years went by it grew stronger and stronger. Originally, I built it to protect myself from the outside world. I built it for one reason, but it stayed for another. It has become a fence that keeps me locked in, and no one can get to me. I’m trapped inside with no way out, and my fence is no longer protecting me.
It’s time to tear down my fence and let people into my world. I need to make new choices, to open my heart to people and new experiences. Obviously, what I’ve been doing isn’t working. I hate my life and everything about it. Maybe—just maybe—I need to start doing things.
My Life in Secret is available for purchase online.