All abuse is accompanied by favors and acts of kindness. These “loving” acts of kindness solidify the state of codependency because it perpetuates the utter indifference that most people have to their own diminishing, humiliating, ongoing abuse.
If you are currently in a relationship and you are suffering (to any degree) because of it, then you are being abused—no matter how caring that person may sometimes appear to you on the surface. This is symptomatic of the phantom prey, which is an addiction to the abuse you receive from a codependent relationship without any realization of it. Fear prevents the host of a phantom prey from standing up for their Selves in any abusive relationship, whether it’s from a boss, co-worker, friend, family member, or partner. It’s as if the ego justifies the abuse by saying: “That’s just the way he is but I love him anyway,” or “She’s under a lot of pressure right now so I completely understand,” or “I’ve already made my bed. Now I have to lie in it.” If you observe your mind participating in these rationalizations, then stop. Listen to what your mind is doing.
You’re not helping abusive people transform and dissolve their pain-bodies by permitting them to go on abusing you. And trust me, if you set the precedent by allowing them to continue to abuse you, then I can assure you, they will receive the signal that their bullying behavior is perfectly appropriate for others to endure as well. So you’re not doing anyone any good by being “afraid of hurting them” or by being “Mr. or Ms. Nice” or by “killing them with kindness.” That’s devolution, not evolution.
Know that loving the other unconditionally does not include loving them even though they are abusing you. Why? Because that’s not love at all. That’s self-abuse. And this act of “selfless love” is how the mind rationalizes the abuse in the first place. But this is a self-deluding fantasy and only contributes to the phantom prey’s addiction to more pain, misery, and suffering. Next Humans will always put the Self first and therefore will never, ever allow a partner to abuse them in any way.
There are many subtle forms of abuse that occur frequently by pain-body predators toward unassuming victims. Consequently, the pain-body prey absorb this pernicious energy into their bodies like a sponge. This is a major contributing factor to the anxiety and depression epidemics that we have today.
One of the most common forms of abuse that gets overlooked is what I refer to as pin-pricking or needling. This is when the abuser makes very subtle comments on a daily or weekly basis to a fellow co-worker, friend, family member, or partner that, to the casual observer, may appear as “playful teases.” At the time the needle is administered, it feels kind of like a mosquito bite, but over long periods of time, these pin-pricks accumulate, fester, and intensify the pain in the host’s pain-body to the point where a chronic, degenerative disease develops. There’s nothing wrong with playful teases, as long as they come infrequently and are sincerely playful. However, when the source is a pain-body predator, you can rest assured that the teases will be neither infrequent nor playful. Needles are delivered by the pain-body parasite to inflict pain so inconspicuously that it goes totally unnoticed by its prey. It becomes the expected “normal and acceptable” behavior from the predator. This way, the vampiric entity can siphon the pain from unsuspecting victims on a continual basis without scaring them off.
In the more subtle form of abuse I’m referring to here, the pain-body predator will be giving an inordinate amount of free, unwelcomed, disrespectful, and assertive advice that is usually accompanied or followed by back-handed compliments, and will typically be a friend, co-worker, family member, or partner who’s alternately kind and mean to you on a continual basis. In other words, they compliment you frequently, but they also deride you just as often, if not more so. They may say things such as: “You are so talented and you do such wonderful work,” but then later they’ll say, “That’s your character flaw,” or “You need to listen to me because you don’t know what you’re doing,” or they’ll destructively criticize you over insignificant things.
Most of the time these predators will exercise their needling in the form of control. For some odd reason, they feel the need to intrude on your business, whether it be personal or professional. They may say things such as: “You are so creative but you need to do this if you want to be a success,” or “You are the smartest person I know but if you had followed my advice, that would never have happened to you,” or “I’m your greatest fan but if you don’t stop painting and get a real job then you’ll never amount to anything.”
The pain-body predator has learned to adapt to the pain-body prey’s rationalizing mind so that it’s able to get away with a continuous, abusive feeding frenzy that sometimes continues for decades. I have witnessed countless relationships endure this “Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde,” passive/aggressive, loving/bullying, nurturing/needling behavioral dynamic on a regular basis where the victim simply shrugs as if the abuse never occurred. They simply take it. But over time, all that pin-pricking adds up. And, of course, the physical body can only endure so much. Then people wonder why they come down with cancer, IBS, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, Crohn’s disease, colitis, systemic candida, and other chronic, lingering, painful illnesses. In many cases, it’s nothing more than the ongoing emotional abuse from someone close to them materializing itself as disease in the body.
The prey are simply being “needled to death” by a partner, friend, or family member, and, because the abuse is always layered in the fog of ambiguity, they remain totally oblivious to it. And if you’re attracting abusive people to you then I would take a serious look at your own mind and observe how many times a day you’re allowing it to abuse you.
Because abuse in a codependent relationship is frequently accompanied by a soothing layer of salve, it’s easy for the phantom prey to justify it. Seemingly “kind and loving” behavior from the abuser typically comes in a variety of ways, such as: financial support, job security, gifts, good deeds, praises and compliments, and other forms of help or assistance that cements the codependent’s rationalization process, ensuring that the abuser’s presence remains in the victim’s life. An extreme form of this is what I call the sadomasochistic relationship. More subtle forms of abuse include: coldness, apathy, selfishness, inconsideration, neglect, derisiveness, condemnation, and harsh, destructive criticism.
If you are being abused on a continual basis by anyone, no matter how “nice” or “helpful” or “cool” they may appear to you then wake up and listen to your mind’s ability to rationalize their insanely destructive behavior. Get yourself away from these parasites as fast as you can and stay away from them, no matter who they are. Then allow your Self the time to heal, completely.
A Next Human’s love will not be ambiguous. It will be clear and honest, and he will always treat everyone with equal respect, compassion, and loving kindness. He won’t pin-prick, deride, demean, degrade, harshly criticize, condemn, or degrade anyone for any reason at any time. And he won’t dish out compliments with strings attached because his sincere praise will always come from the heart.
AUTHOR: Jason Lincoln Jeffers is a spiritual teacher, life and health coach, author of "The Next Human", artist, evolutionary astrologer, philosopher, entrepreneur, inspirational speaker, and authority on metaphysics, transpersonal psychology, and alternative medicine. In 2001 Jason's life was transformed by an ancient mystical inner body experience known as a kundalini awakening. His mission is to help humanity access its untouched free will, realize its divinity, and evolve into the Next Human.