Having a midlifer – why it’s not a crisis

I couldn’t have ordered it better if I tried. Bang on my 50th year and I find myself deep into a 'midlifer' as I now call it. How did that happen? (LOL as I write this).

I have been aware of the term ‘midlife crisis’ for years and when I was younger thought ‘nah that’ll never happen to me’ and yet it has.

A big BUT here though, it’s just NOT a crisis for me.

I LOVE that this happening. Yes you heard it right. I love it! Don’t get me wrong I have experienced a lot of dark times this past 6 months but thank gawd for my 15 years of self growth and inner learning. It has rescued me everyday when things have been tough. Hallelujah for Yoga and meditation!

The trigger for this period in my life highlighted other things that are not sorted. The Universe always steps up the pressure when you need to look things square in the face and it’s relentless if you ignore it until the pain gets that intense you go ‘OH FFS ALRIGHT I HEAR YOU!’ In my experience, please don’t let things get that far. In these changing times, we are all being asked to step into a fully truthful living in ALL areas.

It’s been 7 months since my beloved Joel left (feeling a tear rise up). I knew we had a couple of fundamental issues and because we are both truth seekers, I knew that our deep truth would part us, even though I knew my heart would break wide open when he left. We had SO much together and his leaving tore at me but I also respected him for leaving. I hated him for a while, spat at him for the way we parted and I let myself feel the rage and wrath. My inner child was in disbelief that yet another man in my life withdrew his love from me. I didn’t like myself sometimes, which I think we all do. You think ‘doh’ wished I hadn’t done that. It was a dark space. It was like even after all I know, I had this dark side that wanted to be acknowledged and loved.

Joel was the catalyst into my midlifer. It has highlighted strongly all other areas of life that want to change too. I feel the inner urges everyday now. Things are changing as this chrysalis is starting to move and push at the walls.

I am not settled in my self employed business life, never have been really in 7 years. I am not ‘born’ yet if that makes sense, I feel like I am waiting and yet I can feel this deeply ripening place where, what wants to happen through me, is getting ready to come. I am so impatient and excited, but all the waiting is excruciating at times and other people’s judgements render me flakey, I just feel it. But I know that we all have different ripening times and I SO trust Divine timing for EVERYTHING. My essence is becoming crystal clear and although I don’t believe in a life purpose, my talents and gifts are honing now. I have a whole bag of ‘tools’. Relationship coaching, Yoga, healing, project management.

don’t live where I long to live and I don’t have the money to do the things I want to do. Don’t feel sorry for me ok. This is not a sympathy trip. All my decisions got me here. No one else’s problem at all. I haven’t blamed anyone ever for any of it. I just wanted to highlight the other things that have collided to bring me here.

So as you can see, there are a lot of challenges and oh I have gone through my menopause in the last 5 years. This, in and of itself, is a whacky, weird, fucked up and extraordinary time in a woman’s life. A mahusive transformation that often goes unnoticed for the sake of getting on with life. I am SO different now. It’s given me such a different take on life. I look the same on the outside but on the inside is a vastly new woman looking out. A wise woman indeed that I love dearly. My body isn’t what it was but I really don’t mind anymore.

We all have challenges but sometimes as 1,2, 3 then 4 major things in life melt down, a kind of collapse happens. The straw that breaks the camels back. Let is collapse. The bottom wants to feel you. And it’s just not as scary as you imagined.

I know a good few people experiencing a midlifer and some don’t even know it. They paper over it to get on with life but it doesn’t go away until you let it have you. It really is a ‘what went before’ and a ‘what comes after?’ time of life to be hugely respected and admired. I really believe that the ageing of our body’s is a significant trigger and if we are heavily invested in the way we look on the outside, midlife can be tougher for sure.

It’s not a crisis

Because I look at what I have got and have built in my life. I take good time to be still, give myself space and I know that suffering is just me arguing with things that want to change but I am resisting. Doing self growth has taught me to keep going with the flow as much as possible and trust. OMG, I trust more now than ever, that I am heading towards better and better things even though today it might not feel that way.

I am surrounded by simply incredibly awesome and beautiful people. Very few these days are draining. Spiritual growth and ‘shedding’ tends to happens when you start to love ‘you’ more. I have a spiritual crew who I find expansive and nourishing to talk to. I have a hugely inspiring bunch of entrepreneurial friends who give me faith that I can make something of my business life and I have a very very dear set of friends who helped me celebrate my 50th in style. They are my life blood and are such wise and supportive friends. I also have a bunch of healing friends who I can visit to maintain my health. These relationships help me function and stay sane. In connection we thrive.

I had a 17 year career that takes care of my retirement years, I have helped lots of people (not enough my ego says!) to have better relationships with their bodies and other people and if I gaze through some of my photos I think WOW look at where I have been in the world, who I have met and what I have done. Just HOW could I be in a crisis? It’s just a word, a time period. This too will pass. EVERYTHING does.

It’s true what Byron Katie says, question what you know.

Is your cup half full or empty? If you are a half empty person, this may look like a hellfire place to be. But it’s just not to me. Those who know me would say that my cup is defo half full. My dad was a pessimist and as a child I decided ‘no way jose!’ I sought self/spiritual growth because I felt unloved by men. These years of reading and going on courses and retreats have taught me to look towards the light and what is awesome, but also not to ignore the natural processing of pain. I bless the day some whacky hippy showed me that first Reiki healing course! Coincidently (not!) just after daddy died.

If you are having a midlifer

  1. Do nothing – Yes thats right. Nothing. First acknowledge it. Make the space and let it happen. Open the doors to ALL the feelings and emotions. Don’t plaster over the cracks, or put a ‘stiff upper lip’ on life anymore because you are trying to look like the good person. You won’t get any points for that. Open and break your heart, cry, be angry and scream to the Universe. You deserve it.
  2. Be real – this is time in your life to be you. Nobody else’s version of you. You don’t need to learn this. It’s all there. Who are you right now? Are you being who you wanna be?
  3. Learn to self enquire every damn day. Self growth books and courses; go choose and consume. Learn to love you. I have. Takes time but SO worth it.
  4. What is this time trying to teach you and what do you need to learn here? It’s NEVER about the other person or situation but your choice to react/act in the way you do. Sorry to be frank but it’s true. What better time than midlife? Heck if you can’t shed, build, tear down now, then when?
  5. Relationships – it’s pivotal time in life. Surround yourself with amazing people. Cherry pick. Stand back from those who are jealous, drain, criticise and don’t want the ABSOLUTE best for you. I have over the last 15 years. I still have a couple of people around me who just cannot bear to see me thriving at my best because of jealousy. I don’t have time for that anymore. I am not here to carry others or make amends for their self worth. Sorry but at 50 if I can’t be clear now, when can I?
  6. Don’t put things off. I hope you are hearing this from other places too, so this will be a further affirmation. I hear ALOT that life is precious and way too short so don’t wait. Every choice has a price but make sure the price is one you are happy to accept.
  7. Listen to your instinct not others opinions unless you know they have got your VERY BEST intentions in mind. They will help you follow your gut not theirs. You know totally whats best for you. You always have and always will.
  8. Take time out if you can – even a week. Be away alone. No phones no internet and go listen to your inner calling. Breathe.
  9. Look after your health – midlife carries a generally greater risk of health issues. Numero uno for me is good health. Without it you have zero, nada. Detox, go to the osteopath to get your structure checked out, book regular massages, reflexology or some other energy balancing regime. Cut out harmful foods and get exercise. I do Yoga you know…lol! Big subject but you get my drift. Look after the most precious thing you will ever own. Your body.

My list is endless really but I wanted to acknowledge this time in our lives as being real and here and it’s going to be ok. Being human means we are the same. I cannot blame or shame or judge you wherever you are and I know that you will get through this incredible time in your life.

It is just the Universe pointing you to all that you dreamed of and longed for but in order to break your patterns, cycles, habits and comfort zones you may have to get jiggy with that pain and discomfort for a while. It will teach you so much and the wisdom you will gain will be bloody awesome.

Today I am more whole than I have ever been as a woman and human being. And its not about the stuff I have gathered. I probably have less than you. I can’t tell you exactly how it all happened and even though I am not through this midlifer, I feel extraordinary.

And I leave you with this question. What if you are never in control of anything and your life has a path that you are going to follow no matter what? How would you live differently then?

I love you x

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