Why do you attract the relationships in the way that you do? Have you ever thought, different person same old story? Can you see a pattern in who you partner with? When the same types of personalities or issues keep popping up there is only one solution. You are being called to roll up your sleeves and get to work.  You must face your shadow self in order to break free of the pattern. Your learning plan has been set and you can’t escape, the universe isn’t going to let you. Let’s look at how to get more love and respect by considering these common patterns.

Partners that use and abuse: What do you deserve?

What do you believe about your self-worth?  Sense of self is where you develop individuation, self- consciousness and personal power. This is where you assimilate information from the world and choose your beliefs. What are you choosing to believe and what position do you relate from? The process of recovering your self-worth is discovering and connecting with your inner power.

When you choose to give away your personal power and emotional needs to win approval or recognition from others, you make others more powerful than they are. You project onto others qualities you aren’t expressing. You become dependent on others and are not accepting self-responsibility which makes you susceptible to manipulation and degradation. The truth is you don’t need to do anything or be anything in order to be deserving of love. It is worthy by divine right. The way to grow into personal empowerment is through healthy choices and commitment. Recognize your needs, make decisions based on what’s best for you, and focus on well-being, respect and acknowledgment from others. This way, sense of self-worth and self-esteem will grow.

               Action step:

  • Respect Yourself
  • Value yourself… develop an intolerance of mistreatment


Cheating and Commitment: What do you want?

When you attract a partner who can’t commit consider asking yourself what you truly want. Many people have emotional scars which both block and protect. If you put up a defensive wall you secure safety from another hurt. Doing so means you’ll not be fully present with another person and will be unable to experience intimacy, commit yourself or perhaps receive another’s commitment. Cheating is a way to avoid intimacy. If anyone comes too close and you feel vulnerable then cheating pushes them away. You block the experience of self-love and understanding. You then want to attract another who will give it the love you need but are unable to return. You must risk opening your heart before you can release this pattern. View yourself as enough and embrace everyone in an acceptance. Meet challenge as an opportunity for growth, always choosing life and love. You’ll have learned the lesson of love… “Without love nothing matters”. Taking responsibility for love in your life is a necessary step in personal growth. Consciously living fully in the moment is the key, because that is where love is found.

Action step:

  • Relate rather than React


Vampires and Martyrs, and Victims: Who is sucking you dry?

The emotional vampires will take and take, whether it’s time, energy or money they will leave you utterly spent. The thing about vampires… they focus on a “type”. Those who have weak boundaries, who have either a victim mentality or martyr complex.  A victim is viewing life from the perspective of “something happened to me”, and takes no responsibility for the situation. The mind is stuck in fear and desperation with no sense of empowerment. The key to stepping out of this pattern is recognizing that your attitude and choices lead to empowerment. If you are needy and clingy for example you are discounting and denying your needs. You may attract others who want to rescue you, but you are limiting yourself. You have the chance to connect with your inner strength. You can rescue yourself!

The martyr is stuck suffering, because of holding the belief that sacrifice is necessary. You feel a limited sense of control so you give up your power.  When this happens you also release the right and responsibility for your own well-being which will lead to feelings of isolation. When you feel that your own happiness is not as important as others, you relinquish the right to happiness and fulfillment in order to provide others with stability and balance. You live an incomplete and unfulfilled life. You judge and jail yourself, imposing the suffering you feel you deserve. Your life-force energy is blocked (or sucked out of you) and co-dependent relationships occur. Social attitudes help to enable the martyr syndrome. Sacrifice is seen as a virtue in many cultures, and acknowledgement of how much you give up for others can be a twisted reward. So whether it’s done for approval or from a desire to be loved and accepted, the result is disempowerment. Manipulation can also become a theme… because you have sacrificed, you wish others to do so as well.  This in turn fosters a false sense of control and that this pattern of behavior is correct, while what is happening is further devaluation.  The first step out of this pattern is to acknowledge that it is your right to be happy and to make the choices that support you.

Action step:

  • Own the Problem… self-responsibility


Conflict and Critics: The truth about forgiveness

Are you okay with showing who you really are? Do you want to see others for who they are? Conflict arises when your beliefs are different from what you are perceiving. Other people act as mirrors for you, so when you find yourself feeling an emotional charge from what you perceive from them it is really about a belief that is being challenged. Otherwise someone could say the sky is orange and you smile and say whatever… and go on about your day.  But if someone says the same thing and your sense of self is tied up in the belief that indeed the sky is not orange but blue… involuntary reactivity. You are now in conflict. When you experience that, identify and acknowledge what is happening and examine what belief is being triggered and what emotion is behind it.

Critics are attracted to you because you have hidden guilt and are in need of self-forgiveness. What are you really guilty of? It’s easy to hold onto guilt when you don’t realize that what you are doing is locking yourself away from love. Without freedom from guilt you are limited in capacity, both in receiving and giving love. Real love, the capital L.  You can still give of yourself... like the martyr does, however it isn’t authentic. It’s the difference in doing something because you “should” and doing something with free abandon, or passion because it just flows from you.  You could not stop that flow if you wanted to.  It would be like choosing not to breathe. Are you ready to forgive yourself? Forgiving yourself, gives you the ability to let go of the past and release feelings of hurt and pain.

Action step:

Identify the underlying beliefs that are driving you. Face your shadow self

Lynn Zambrano

Did you enjoy this article? Read more at LynnZambrano.com

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Comment by Kathy Custren on January 4, 2016 at 8:03pm

Happy New Year, Lynn - Forwarding to the publishers, with our thanks ~ Blessings! 

OM Times Magazine is a Holistic Green eZine with a Spiritual Self-growth Perspective for the Conscious Community.



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