He sat across the table from me, with a tight line drawn across his mouth and stony eyes.  Those same eyes could laugh, be filled with light and express unimaginable love.  But tonight, they were cold and hard. He had decided that a deep friendship I had formed was more than that, and that I had rejected him, betrayed him.  He pulled all expressions of love inside, and lived the remainder of his days with me unable to allow himself to feel, to express the love he felt.  He didn't want the pain, and he could not move past the feeling of betrayal.  In his death, he carried over that karma.


We were souls committed to serving a higher purpose on this plane, willing to be light workers, healers and teachers.  After so many lifetimes together, we believed we could work past any illusion with joy and curiosity.  There was no doubt that our true nature, our Source nature, would move us to serve in a perfect union. So much so, we took on more and more difficult illusions that carried on over lifetimes, with absolute confidence in our ability to love and to see the truth of our natures.


"Would you be able to do that? To heal someone, love them, and let them go?", he asked me, after a particularly challenging and honest few days in which he confessed that he did not and could not love me.  I was stunned by the assumptions behind that question.  Assumptions that did not understand love.  The question came from a place of detachment - but not the type of spiritual non-attachment we strive for.  It was a detachment that spoke of fear, loss, separation. It said that the healing would be hard and painful.  That the loving would lead to sadness.  That the relationship would be one of moving apart from each other, and creating vibrations that would not be in sync.  I had felt all of that, if I am honest, in the resistance we experienced in our relationship.  I had written a lot of it off to my own healing issues, as I had made it difficult to experience and express love.  And now that I had healed that, and was moving into a purer vibration of self, it is not surprising that this new healing issue needed to be expressed. 

In the past, I have tried to not love a person.  I have ended several romantic relationships, and wanted the pain to go away, so I thought if I stopped loving them it would help. There are people I do not fit with, and people that I do not respect.  There are people with whom I experience pain in the interaction.  In the end, what I have discovered is that it is impossible to Not Love.  To do so means denying your Source.  Source is Love.  The pain one feels around people we don't want to love is the pain of feeling unable to truly express oneself, to share authentically and deeply. 

I met a woman on retreat once that I just did not like at all.  I found her to be selfish, and a bulldozer.  The universe put her in my path over and over, and I wanted to just get away.  My dislike of her made me feel uncomfortable with myself.  I was angry at myself for not being able to love her.  I watched other people treat her with kindness and I could not understand how they did not see how horrible she was.  In a moment of insight, I realized I had narrowed in on one set of possibilities of who she was, and ignored all the rest of her.  In that moment of expansion, I saw a good woman who was working hard on her path of growth, and who had her own lifetime of beliefs to move through.  I saw the loving soul, the divinity in her that was exactly like me.  And from that moment on, I could only see that.  She could still be annoying in her behaviours, but I was not attached to them as barriers any longer.

Loving someone is the easiest thing in the world.  Our nature is love. So if you are unable to love, it is You that you are unable to love. You are unable to connect to some essential part of Source, and that pain and disconnect will drive you to seek a solution.  Sometimes our solution is numbing with food, alcohol or drugs.  Sometimes it is escape into the excitement of new relationships.  In those first moments of infatuation, we dissolve enough of Self to connect with Source.  That rush of Source energy feels great, and will eventually fall away if we do not learn how to deepen the connection with Source.  We will say something about the form of the relationship was wrong, or that the way the person behaves is the block.  We will claim our own personality and fear as the block.

But the only real block to love is not knowing our Source.  There can be no love without Source.  I think the moment I really understood love, not conditions of harmony but love, was holding my daughter for the first time in the hospital.  There was this tiny child with an enormous soul looking at me through her eyes, and I knew instantly that I loved this child without condition.  I knew I would strive in every second of my life to be in harmony with Source to connect with her Source as well.  I knew I had never felt that way before about anything and my heart expanded like the quotation from the Grinch - "his heart grew 3 sizes that day".  My whole life changed after that, and most likely because I started to realign my life around a new and powerful vibration. 

There is only one thing that is needed for love: being in alignment with who you really are.  In that space, we love without effort.  When you are in meditation, or in nature, or laughing, you are in love.  When you are creating a meal to share with others, you are in love.  When you see something and buy a gift to share with someone, you are in love.  When you put the needs of someone else first without even thinking about it (and not in a codependent "should" way), you are in love.  The only way to not know love is to cut yourself off from Source.  And that is something that you can change.


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