“For one human being to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
It’s mysterious that a process as natural and universal as loving can as challenging for so many of us. In fact, it seems that more often than not, the art of learning to love well is one of the most demanding challenges that we ever take on in our lives. Many people, having made a number of painful or unsuccessful attempts to develop sustained, loving relationships, conclude that they’re just not up for what it takes or that they’re just not the type to settle down with one person, or committed partnership is an unnatural arrangement. They choose to let go of their dream rather than to risk the prospect of continued pain and disappointment.
Why is it that loving relationships can be so difficult for us to develop? Is it true that there really are “very few good candidates out there” who are willing and able to relate skillfully to others? And is it really even possible for us to unlearn the protective patterns that served us in childhood but now cause us to feel frustrated and isolated?
Making the decision to embark on the path of committed partnership.
These and many other complex questions inevitably arise once we make the decision to embark upon the path of relationship. And the further along we find ourselves, the more formidable are the concerns that we meet. Many people believe that the opposite should be true; that is that the deeper the connection that we develop with someone, the easier it should be. And if it’s not getting easier it’s because something or someone is wrong. Not necessarily. Deep relatedness brings out the worst as well as the best in us: our deepest fears and greatest hopes, our altruism and possessiveness, our kindness and insensitivity, our generosity and self-centeredness. In working consciously with these tendencies and we find ourselves feeling more trusting and open with each other and gradually begin to let down the defenses that shield us from emotional distress.
What does the path of conscious loving require?
Conscious loving requires us to come out from behind the “security” of our manufactured image and expose ourselves to the threat of the possibility of the emotional pain that we desperately wish to avoid. What makes this so difficult is that it requires us to be fearless yet tender, committed yet open, engaged yet not attached, powerful yet yielding, and strong yet vulnerable. To fully love, we must cultivate the ability to embrace the paradox and hold the tension of the opposites because love is inclusive not exclusive, and it can be fierce in its demands. It invites us into the space beyond the duality of separation or enmeshment and challenges us to surrender our defenses that protect us from harm.
If loving another person is, as Rilke says, is the final test and “that for which all other work is but preparation,” perhaps it is because we cannot be a qualified lover until we have established an accepting relationship with all parts of ourselves, including those aspects of our lives and personalities that we deem unlovable. Investing time and energy in a commitment to develop the capacity to become more fully loving will bring forth a greater return, in terms of our quality of life, than anything else we could do with our precious time and energy.
What it requires is to understand what the nature of the work is and to believe that we are capable and worthy of doing it. That however is not enough. Then there is the matter of actually doing the work itself. Like anything else worth having, a self-loving relationship doesn’t come easily to most of us and it requires the cultivation of a number of skills and personal qualities that will serve us along the way. It takes time and effort but it’s a labor of love and with the passing of time, the process feels increasingly more like an opportunity than an obligation. Find out for your self. And, by the way, it’s never too late to begin.
Linda Bloom L.C.S.W. has served as psychotherapist and seminar leader practicing relationship counseling almost forty years. Check out her OMTimes Bio.
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