She had made her plan, thought it all out very carefully. As her health was deteriorating, the disease had taken over. She lay there listening to the beeps of the monitor, the whir of some machine. There was no movement this time of night. Rounds were over, and she could hear the nurses softly talking to each other and the occasional chuckle. She had gently pulled out one of the plugs earlier so the machine alarm went off; she had managed to move it enough so it looked like she got up. She didn’t want anyone to get into any trouble. She hid the little syringe in her covers, the gal that left it on the tray didn’t notice. All was in ready, but she has so weak she could barely raise her head to see what she was doing. Just a little air in the tube and her heart would stop; she had heard that many times in her life and hoped it was true.

The financial burden she caused was too much for her family to bear, she knew she wouldn’t get better and this was the best thing she could do for them. It was the best for her as well, she hurt, oh dear lord she hurt. She tried so hard not to complain, and didn’t want to be so drugged up all the time. Yes, this was the best thing for everyone. She looked at her hands, at 40 they should still look young and strong, but they were old looking, big veins and thin. She pulled the plunger back and sucked the air in the barrel, found the tube that run into her vein and with all the strength she possessed she pushed the needle through the tube and pushed the plunger down. She idly watched the air bubble going through the tube, the next thing she knew there was motion around her and great pain. She took solace in that pain knowing it wasn’t going to last forever, knowing her time of suffering was ended.

She felt the struggle of intent in the room, those trying to do what must be done to save her, but she was already gone. She felt light, she was light, and she found herself attracted to other lights and soon they were all together in one place. She felt a great source behind here and she recalled what was to happen next. They would view her life together to see how she had done. Time had no meaning here and they were actually watching it in real time. She smiled as she saw her first step, riding her bike without training wheels, her parents pride at her accomplishments, there sorrow at her failures. They did try to hide it, but a kid just knows when they let their parents down.

She saw her crazy times, the wild streak they tried so hard to tame, the joys of freedom, the need for security. The lessons learned one by one, the lessons that took a few time to learn were the most amazing to watch. It was so obvious from this view, but at the time it didn’t seem so.

All the while as they watched there was no judgment. No shame, no worries. All just was what it was.
As she grew older she saw joy of her wedding, the birth of her children, the making of a world that was all her doing. The home they built, the bonds they made, the lessons the children learned as well. All wasn’t picture perfect, but it was good enough. Every life must have some strife or you don’t appreciate the good times. She smiled as it rolled by, until the illness. God stood behind her as she watched her body betray her, wondering what she did wrong, struggling to defeat the foe that was so small it couldn’t be seen with the naked eye.

As she watched herself end her life, the vision continued, she saw pain in the eyes of the nurses, the questioning glances to each other at the syringe, the gentle sadness as they covered her face.

Then she saw her family, grief stricken and very angry. Should couldn’t understand the anger, she did this for them after all. Perhaps it was how they were dealing with her leaving. But no, it was something else. She listened very carefully. “The doctor had just called me the day before, they had found a cure” she heard her husband say to a friend. “She only had to wait one more day.”

She turned to God,” is this true! Did I make a mistake, did I fail!”
“No” He said gently, “the only thing you did was loose faith in Me. I had it covered, I always do.”

She was horrified at His words. The only real lesson she had to learn the most important one, the one she thought she had down, and she forgot.

~peace~
Rev. Wonder

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