Sloughing off the Layers
Last Wednesday, while engaging in my morning cleansing ritual with the apricot facial scrub, it dawned on me that, as I sloughed off what my face no longer needed to hide behind, I was also in the process of doing so within my BE-ing as I worked through the layers of myself as I “knew” me to be and MY Self as I AM. After breakfast, I drew from my Angel card deck asking for a card or cards for me to focus on during for the day. ..Life Review was one of the cards. It suggested that over the next day or so I create some space to reflect on what I’ve learned so far and I was a little annoyed because, frankly, I’ve been doing quite a bit of painful processing work and didn’t really feel like digging any deeper.
While I ‘know’ that it is all part of the process and have come to understand that as I work through each layer, new light emerges and the process of REmemberance continues to unfold. However, my little child self was being stubborn and didn’t feel like it, and so I put it off. Curiously, well, OK…not really…since all is Divnely orchestrated, my current Teacher began to push me a bit to write down what I’ve learned thus far in the Reiki course I am taking. And so, with some fluffy padding, I intellectualized about the good love-and-light type stuff I have learned. Truthfully, it was a bit more than that, but for the sake of this particular entry I shall sum it up to say I barely scratched the surface.
My thoughtful Teacher, in His wisdom and with urging from the Guides of the course, felt the need to push me a little bit further, to delve a little deeper, to be a bit more ‘real’ as it were. And so it was this third knock upside the head that got me really moving and into more discomfort that I was able to move into the new territory I have come to understand today. That realization, however, shall be contained within another post, for this one could not do it proper justice.
Upon my response to the question “What Have You Learned ,“ and this time from the perspective of “There is Nothing Outside of Yourself,” I got a bit more real and came up the following ‘highlights’ of the Dark Spots of Ascension:
1) It all boils down to me and my willingness or UN-willingness to accept the lessons I signed up to learn here within the 'dream' I created and the 'characters' I chose to interact with to help me with those lessons.
2) The more upset I am at any one character, the more upset I really am at myself and if I want to move past that I need to look at what that person is holding for me to resolve...just lately it has been:
a) My partner being silently resentful of me because I am not contributing enough/equally....really it is because of the choices I have made that got us to this point that I am now having to face and not liking it too well at all;
b) My child is telling he hates me and doesn't love me at every turn; every time I have to correct him in even the smallest way...really it is because I am not being very loving with myself right now because I am feeling guilt over the choices I have made that got us to this point where I am feeling totally dependent upon my partner and hating it;
c) I am really not dependent upon my partner at all...it's all my choice to continue to punish myself and if I want to get out of it I'd better realize that I can go ahead and release this guilt now and that I have paid for it enough already.
3) I really feel like I've been 'dumped' into all of this Awakening Process and, while this course has made much sense of it all and has provided incredible guidance from The Guides and my Teacher, I feel like a bitter little child who just wants to go back to sleep...but knows that sleep will be made of stuff far worse than where she is now...
4) I have learned that 'walking the talk' for those of us on the spiritual path (though we all are, just most don't know it...yet) is something only a small percent are actually doing at any given moment; self included…BECAUSE…it is painful and NOT all full of love & light ALL the time.
5) I have learned just how much I really have been hating myself for the things I've done to those I love, which is really to say the things I've done to myself, so it only makes sense that I can go ahead and let that go, since I have made that connection.
6) I have learned that moving past my comfort zone even a little bit and initiating some dialogue with my partner, expressing sincere appreciation for him and asking for his help and accepting it is a wonderful thing.
7) I have learned that my position that medications only cover up the real issues and if I ever want to be truly free then I must be willing to face the underlying issues (lessons) my demons, is a freaking LUDICROUS decision...yet I made it anyway and intend to stick with it.
8) There will always be the right people and situations available to help me through every step of the way no matter how far off course I get...I just need to be willing to accept the help.
9) I must be fairly strong; otherwise I'd not have been given all this ‘stuff’ to deal with at once;
10) I must have a lot of work to do once I get through all of my own ‘stuff’; I keep thinking every time I feel like this..."OK, surely this must be the end of the worst of it...” only to find there's always another layer of it on the horizon...I can only hope that after this one I'll have better integrated to "ways to deal" to make it a little more bearable next time around...
And so it is, that in working through these Dark Spots of Ascension on an even deeper level with my Teacher just two days ago, that new light and understanding has emerged…I look forward to sharing this with you soon.