My Journey from Illusion to Truth
I am grateful for the opportunity to share a part of me with you in this beautiful journey called life.
I am a Computer Engineer and a mother of a 13 year old who discovered my spiritual side through life’s challenges. The journey was not easy and if I leave out all clichés, I am not sure if I made it difficult through my resistance to see the truth and change.
An unhappy childhood and painful marriage brought me to an important point in my life at age 30 contemplating on why God messed up my life. I wanted to meet God and have a conversation on how his universe had a ‘design flaw’. As an engineer I wanted to redesign the world and remove all the pain. I was led to wonderful Indian ascetics called Swamis and my quest became infused with passion. I was not ready to believe a religious concept given to be my parents or my culture. I wanted a direct experience of God that is self validating. My truth barometer started functioning which helped me avoid my own illusion masquerading as ‘the truth’.
I was led to my first spiritual teacher Adyashanti, of the Zen tradition, who wiped away most of my preconceived ideas on how I ‘should be’ or how another ‘should be’. Truth cared nothing for my personal loss as the blade of discernment slashed through all that I thought was my truth. I started the process of looking deep within for answers. The journey with Adya prepared me for my beloved teacher Maya, who helped me go deeper and discover my deepest shadows that I conveniently ignored in the name of self preservation. I saw my illusion masquerading as truth. I saw the arrogant, jealous, proud, insecure and fearful being that I was masquerading as a ‘good’ co-worker, friend and mother. Maya’s power and her presence brought me to my knees until I had nowhere to go but within, and hold all my shadows in compassion. Ironically the more I owned it and released it, my outside reality changed to be more nurturing, abundant and in truth.
The journey the last several years with my teacher Maya has been filled with the deepest knowing of self where self-love birthed in the muddy waters of my shadows. I walked away from people and situations that were draining rather than nourishing. Leaving the old was very fearful as I did not have anyone in my family to look up to and learn from. I learned to depend on my truth and in God, while discovering such beautiful insights and compassion for myself and others. Compassion for another is born when we can see our “stuff “within and own it in full honesty without blaming the outside reality. How can we have compassion for another’s action when we are busy rejecting the same fear led action within?
In illusion we create our reality. If we believe not being lovable, we will create that experience in the people we attract. If we believe we are a failure, guess what? We will be proven to be a failure, in as many lifetimes as needed, until we change that belief system. We bring shadows from past live times into this one if we are meant to have a completion in that area. I created in a situation where my power was taken away for 30 years. I had to learn to own my power and stand up for myself. I remember lifetimes where I created the same powerless situation! This is because the soul will create experiences for its learning until its completion. If we are a slow learner, and love denial for a very long time, we are in for quite a bumpy ride!
I must admit that owning my disowned shadows as reflections from my co-workers, grocery store clerk, friends and family was devastating. They all existed so I can finally own my stuff, release it, and be free from that negative experience. If I had a strong reaction to another being a liar, the process helped me see the part in me that was not in integrity. If my manager abused his power, I had a disowned self within which abused power too. I remember as a Technical Lead in Hewlett Packard I pushed my team mates with the only aim of meeting project deadlines and looking good to my superiors – that is abuse of power and putting another in a powerless position.
Over the course of months, the self work I did by using my teachers technique helped me to release fear. I stopped letting fear stop me from having the life I desire. Walking through fear is not easy, but crossing it is very empowering. I now know I can take care of myself emotionally and financially without the need for another to do it for me. I discovered responsibility for self, which morphed into responsibility for the planet. I stopped blaming others for my creations and life changed for the better.
God was simply waiting for me to own my “stuff” and release it by walking through the fears.
The journey of self enquiry, the revelations I experienced on the power of illusion, and learning the method to release fears resulted in my book The Power of Illusion. The Power of Illusion is a loving guide to help see through limiting thoughts with techniques to release limiting beliefs, fears, addictions and other challenges. The book has techniques to manifest the life we desire by releasing the fears that prevent it from being received. Through this technique I have released fears causing my neediness, arrogance, addiction to chocolate, pride, financial limitations and the inability to speak my truth.
Today I enjoy giving workshops and consultations while discovering the truth of each moment in being a student of life.