The best part of having a year of transitions is that you also have a basis to benchmark the things that have changed. That has been a profound source of WOW for me.

The last year has been a spiritual retreat and the retreat is nearing its end.  Next week I begin a 3 year project with a client and so I am back into a daily routine. My biggest value is spiritual awakening and that will continue even as my circumstances change.

A year ago, my heart was broken so many times I wasn't sure I would be able to ever breathe deeply again.  Each breath hurt. Each day hurt.  Each minute hurt.  And the dreams were the worst because you would wake up and the circumstances of life would re-emerge.

“The only whole heart is a broken one because it lets the light in.” ― David J Wolpe

That heart break was the moment of awakening.  I was asked by my love what the definition of betrayal was.  My answer was it is the moment when one of the two of you refuses to sustain the illusion anymore even though you have put all your energy into just that.  In some ways, awakening is when you decide to betray your mind and say Its Over.

So, in all ways I let go of so many illusions that all that was left was the process of awakening.  I expected awakening to be this big moment when everything made sense and I felt nothing bad ever again.  That is not awakening. 

I went into relationships to find a partner that would help take me to my awakened state.  In some ways, they did.  But it was nothing like this.  I have also spent years trying to find a leader or a guru or a teacher to whom I could offer my devotion - which looked a lot like abandoning responsibility for myself and my process.  I would find many wonderful teachers, and then become angry when they didn't meet my illusion of what they ought to be.  Another betrayal.

"When you’re living in the awakened way, in the awakened being that you are, you’re alone, and you’re finally comfortable with it. You’re alone, but you’re not lonely at all, because the only one who was ever supposed to meet you where you are—the only one who ever could meet you where you are one hundred percent—was you. Nobody else could ever fully meet you where you are—maybe ninety percent, maybe ninety-five. Nobody can meet you fully but you. When you finally do, then you don’t need anybody else to do it for you. Then you’re alone, more alone than you could ever imagine. And strangely—very strangely—you are more connected, more intimate, more at one with everything. More. And you would have never thought that those two could in any way be together: total aloneness and total oneness. You would have never guessed that that’s the way it would end up. But it does, and it always has." - Adyashanti

I went through a process of seeing love for everything and everyone.  I was surprised it was there and so easy. I have been overwhelmed by energy.  I have been gradually questioning the mind and all it raises.  I cannot say I have always acted from there however.  My emotions are still driven by old stories and it is taking time to dissolve that.  But, there is no illusion about it.  I know it is story.  I have gone through a process of terror as I see that the meanings I ascribed to life are not true, and that who I thought I was and projected are also not true.  My suffering occurs when I am trying to live in some projected idea of Who I Am or Should Be.  When I am in Me, my life is full and rich.  It doesn't look anything like I thought it would.  But it is pretty awesome.

"When one’s awareness opens beyond the dream state of egoic consciousness to the infinite no-thing-ness of intuitive awareness, it is common for the ego to feel much fear and terror as this transition begins. While there is nothing to fear about our natural state of infinite Being, such a state is beyond the ego’s ability to understand, and as always, egos fear whatever they do not understand and cannot control. As soon as our identity leaves the ego realm and assumes its rightful place as the infinite no-thing-ness/every-thing-ness of awareness, all fear vanishes in the same manner as when we awaken from a bad dream. In the same manner in which my grandmother said, “Getting old is not for wimps,” it can also be said that making the transition from the dream state to the mature, awakened state requires courage." - Adyashanti

It may take another decade before I live easily in awakened consciousness.  It may take days before my awareness of love and truth are effortless.  I have no idea what will happen next, but I cannot wait! I love my life. :-)

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