Oh Yeah this is the place to shine. Say all the right words. Sound like I am centered and perfect....ok yeah. I am ..........centered and perfect....oh yeah. Yes Yes I am. Who put these filters of any self reflection being different than Centered and Perfect? it does not matter anymore who and why or this is What Happened... I am is here to do the job of awakening through ALL OF THAT STUFF....maya. Oh me oh maya! So I am not sure where this blog goes but I have no fear in this arena of Light Beings that it will be recieved with love. I really thought that if I stopped abusing myself with sensational substances or events I would be CENTERED AND PERFECT. Come to find out I have been surpressing and look who shows up. This personality that wants to be in control. I think it needs food to live. The food is the self negating thoughts and words. So embarassing to be around so many healers and meditators and feel insecure about some reflection from the past presenting itself again and again in different forms. Just when I think I have built a wall around me , high enough she comes in as a beautiful bird over the top. Will I always be like this? The little thirteen year old that got married. I know what high school is for now. It is where you all learned social interaction. It is where you learned that boys look at girls and it does not mean I am unworthy. What the heck am I doing here? This is the stuff I write whren I think somebody might read it? Oh wow I hope I can erase or delete. I have found that it is not good to admit all this stuff to people you know because they go out of there way to prove you/me right! So to anyone who knows the secret of changing my perspective other than reincarnation, let me know.

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Comment by Gary Jacobsson on June 20, 2009 at 12:28am
Sodashi, You make me smile! You are so bautiful in your child like writings. So much innocence yet behind it I can sense the pain and frustration. You can correct me, but you seem to be at war with yourself. Dont be my child of light. Your personality and your centered perfect being are one. There is a disconnect for now because you do not see the personality (cindy) as being perfect by design. You can not walk away from anything it is in your cellular memory. You take you were ever you go. Putting the substances down is very courageous and it shows your soul wants to teach you to heal. You are a human being dear one. No matter how much that sucks right now this your reality. I am human being too. For years I thought I was an alien and I sat out at nights looking into the heavens and the stars waiting for 'them' to come get me. Kinda like in the movie Chicken Little. LOL the little guy gets left behind on earth. The only difference is a army of aliens cam to reclaim him. But, no one or nothing ever claimed me. I wanted someone so desperately to 'save me' to 'love me' and I searched outside of myself till I was exhausted. Finally, I had to look at the self negating thoughts, I had to feel the energy that felt so consuming that it would snuff life out of me, I had to learn how to be my own friend and lover. It took time I hated myself for years and years. For just like you if you knew who I was you would dispies me. I (in my mind) had done terrible horrible things that I should never be forgiven for. I was the one that needed to learn to forgive myself for surely the people I harmed already had. It was those negating beliefs and thoughts that kept me paralyzed from living and being joyful.
Your here becasue your souls asked to come here. It is a gift if you have been through much pain because pain will bring awareness. It must or we will die. You may change or you may not it is up to you dear one to make that choice and come home to your perfect self. It is inside you its always been inside you. Its just covered up by stuff that does not feel or look good.
We do not need to know why or were it came from. We just need to be willing to accept it allow it and transform it and let it go back from were it once came.

Big Hugs!

Namaste, G.
Comment by Sodashi Devi Farrell on May 15, 2009 at 3:23pm
I can safely and honestly say that I AM is centered and perfect. Who is this other entity/personality? Do I have to heal it? Can I just walk away from it? I have been cutting out its daily food of unworthy words but it slips in thought that take me on a neural pathway straight to the home of this hurt little personality.

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