Abstract - There is a very strong rebellion from within to receive self love and compassion for many of us. This is created by parts of us that have felt self rejection and self abandonment from us over the years. There is a process of integrating these wounded parts with love but we first need to develop a sense of internal trust and safety. This is a crucial step in uniting into wholeness.

As part of the spiritual journey we learn about self-love from receiving it from our higher-self and guides. Eventually we need to internalize this and learn how to lavish it on ourselves. As I write this it is a lesson that I am still focused on. There is a terrible rebellion from within against doing this, from our wounds and our ego. Our ego is what makes us feel guilty for taking time for ourselves and it is the same voice that tells us we are not doing it good enough when we do take the time. I had never learned how to put myself first in a loving manner nor had most of my clients and I don’t mean getting my nails done! Learning how to cherish every part of you, your needs, and what is best for you does not come naturally.
It is learning how to become a loving nurturing mom to yourself where you make good decisions for you, set boundaries with yourself and others and unconditionally love yourself no matter what you are doing or feeling at the moment. The rebellion makes everything outside of us more important than us. If someone needs something, I can’t say no, I don’t know how to turn my phone or email off, etc.

Our wounded internal children do not know how to receive our own love and the ego distracts us from doing it. What I found is that when I started to take the time to nurture myself, feel my feelings and have love and compassion for myself it was done very hastily. I would give myself 5 minutes and then I was done. My ego was still tugging on me to get onto the next thing. The 5 minutes was a good start but it was abrupt and it does not create safety within you.

We need to see it as a problem when you are willing to give something outside of you more time than yourself. (I realize we need to work, that’s not what I mean). I started to think about things that I do even if I like doing it and how much time I give it versus what I give to myself. So let’s separate some things.

I can write all day because I love to do it, but if there is no balance within me, I am not truly taking care of myself. I would give a lot of time over the years to my work, cooking, children, cleaning, going to the gym, my husband, social time, doing my hair or putting on make up but not sitting down with myself and asking how I am doing. What am I feeling? What has my heart been yearning for that I have been depriving it of? What parts keep crying to me that I have been avoiding? This is part of the reason that we don’t take the time to meditate and journal consistently.

There is something so strong within us that wants to rebel the love and time that is needed to become balanced within ourselves so we can become balanced on the outside. This rebellion to get quite and indulge in self-love is a force to recon with. It feels like war inside and this rebellion never stops. We need to be persistent in the quest of allowing us to be the most important relationship we ever have.

  Debbie N. Goldberg practiced as a clinical therapist for eighteen years in Pennsylvania specializing in mental health and substance abuse issues for adults and couples. She has worked in a variety of settings and is now in private practice as a Spiritual Mentor residing in Islamorada, Florida.  She is the author of a series called A Divinely Ordered Life that she scribed from Jesus, God and the Angels.

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