Safety First ~ Ending and Grieving an Abusive Relationship

By: Jennifer Deisher

Grief is a most unpopular yet relevant topic of discussion, especially when it comes to complicated grief as it pertains to abuse. No one ever tells you to prepare for bereavement as you would prepare for the convergence of a hurricane. Ideally, we know it’s coming in some way and have the foresight to make room for the storm. Specifically, preparing to end an abusive relationship is tricky. In these situations, the victim may feel powerless but preparation allows the edge required to move forward and get back to the joy of living life to its fullest potential.

The process of heartbreak is ultimately about coming to a place of acceptance. There are milestones of acceptance along the path but it doesn’t come instantly or how we prefer. Grief is a trip, sometimes even reaching psychedelic proportions. The more we resist it, the more it will let us know we're still trippin'. It’s inherently self-supportive and loving to map out a plan of action in order to gather the tools needed to prepare our emotional, spiritual, mental and physical house for the storm.

Grief is a primal process which is why we don't want just anyone present when we're suffering. These are trying times in confronting the most deep-rooted vulnerabilities in learning to trust again. Being in an abusive relationship results in trust being broken on the deepest level of the spirit. You may have been spiritually violated and it mostly likely ripples out to the physical, mental and emotional as well. Accepting this is a milestone. This is our spirit telling us we can no longer sustain the way we have been and it’s when most of the tools in your toolbox will stop working. Finding a way to exist outside of the abusive relationship is imperative.

When we separate from an abusive relationship, it is the biggest emotional storm imaginable...our own. If someone is abusing you and then tells you they didn't do anything "wrong" or they "can't help it"; believe them because they are telling you they are going to continue. Staying means finding ourselves getting lost in the hope things will eventually get better. This is an ideal time to map a plan by buying some time off work, finding a healer and/or moving to shelter. As in any "survival" scenario, to move is to live; find higher ground. It’s important to take charge in order to obtain, maintain and protect our dignity as we allow grief to part the waters of change. When it all ends, what we seek is what we find; the truth. The ending provides the perfect opportunity to see the true colors in the relationship. When you have found separation from the abuse, this is a milestone.

Finding sanctuary allows clarity to sink in forcing an assessment of the emotional and psychological injuries sustained in the relationship. Triage. This is when you may start missing them, or think you do. What's missing is the idea of the relationship as the illusion it is. It's not crazy to manufacture a more ideal reality as the feelings are very real but encourage us to believe the other person is equally suffering in our absence. E-motion is a verb meaning to move emotional energy and it’s necessary to finding solutions. The intuition and gut feeling of truth is underneath the illusion that this is a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships are not abusive or one-sided. Love is not being chronically scared, tense, unhappy, neglected or so much worse.

This is a dynamic relationship so the provocateur is most likely experiencing the equivalent of a scratch while you are absorbing the brunt of the damage like the cherry on top of an already fragile psyche. This moment of realization can be isolating so remember you're not alone, have your team standing by and allow yourself to reach out accordingly. These moments are tumultuous as you may be bargaining for the illusion to be true and not the other way around. To top it off; you may realize you feel "victimized" while the instigator is using emotional triggers as niceties, storming the castle with rage, screaming in anguish, calling you crazy or riding off in the sunset of alienation depending on the abuse pattern.

Both participants in the relationship experience a physical addiction to the hormones released at each stage of the roller coaster ride; the high of joining together, the stress of the slow demise, the whiplash of devaluation and the pain in finding yourself discarded with less energy than it takes to pay a bill. You may not be consciously choosing this but there is a pattern of allowing it; even if this pattern goes back to childhood. It's the pattern that needs to change, not you. Love is why we come "here" in the first place but trust takes time to earn and you are worth the time it takes to earn trust. Honor that. That's what it means when people say "it's them, not you". Accept this, it is painful but you are very close to getting your life back.

The pain is the hardest part. This kind of rejection is different because of the damaging nature of the relationship. You have been emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually effected. Gaslighting is a term used in psychology because it's real and damaging; the instigator tries to change your reality by insisting it never happened. This makes you doubt your own sanity while you don't even know you're doubting your own sanity. It may feel as if the pain will never end but this is also the convergence. The pain is a milestone but you can also get lost here. Allow it to pass through because this is the storm you've been preparing the entirety of your life up to this moment. Find a safe place to exorcise your anger that doesn’t involve contacting your abuser which isn’t conducive to recovery. There are infinite other ways to process anger other than going back to the abusive relationship.

Make a home with your creative center, your inner child and Mother Earth. They are waiting to heal you. Be Grateful. You may not know how to receive this but humility is a beautiful milestone. Can you forgive, even if the only way you can do it is letting go and away from this person? Will you go back because it's easier than facing the unknown? Will you commit to your Healing? Are you willing to receive a Spiritual Awakening into your life?

You shouldn't have to fight for your Divine Inheritance, in a relationship or the world, but you did. You are a mighty warrior. You have been granted an opportunity to Love again. You are prepared to spread your message of faith and healing. It is your divine destiny to walk this path with another as someone has walked this path you. Go forth with Compassion and banish abuse from the vocabulary of Emotional Intelligence. This is your last milestone of acceptance. You are a powerful Healer and will heal many more. Thank you for your service.

About Blueprints for Butterflies:

Aaron Deisher has studied and practiced aspects of Earth Medicine for over 25 years as a powerful Healer, Guide and Psychic Intuitive. Aaron specializes in the art of human relationships and has the ability to interpret energy signatures and auric fields. He gently brings darkness to light by identifying and assisting with the release of toxic energy.

Jennifer Deisher is a Wounded Healer and Spiritual Transformation Artist. She is the writer of the Moon Hippie Mystic blog and co-founder of with her husband, Aaron. She & Aaron founded Blueprints for Butterflies as a safe, loving space to assist others who are Awakening and Healing. To book a private healing session or reading; please visit

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Comment by Regina Chouza on June 17, 2016 at 9:23pm

Hi Jennifer,

Thank you for the submission, my name is Regina. I'm one of the editors at OM TImes. I have a few suggestions based on our submission criteria. Let me know if you have any questions:

- Our word limit is 500-800 words and this is coming in at almost 1200 words, so it would have to be phrased more concisely. Depending on the structure, subheadings come in handy too.

- We usually include one author bio of up to 60 words - right now I'm not sure if you and Aaron are co-authors for this piece. Any promotional material would need to fit in the BIO.

- As far as tone of voice goes, we usually ask for uplifting or soothing articles that give the reader something practical or thought provoking to hang onto. We also avoid using 1st person singular (I/my) and 2nd person plural (you) in our narratives to create less of a divide with readers.

Articles are generally written in either third person, or 1st person plural (we/our).

Let me know if you have any questions and thanks again,



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