As we merge into marriage each of us have hopes and dreams of how life can be with that person. We envision daily life, future conversations, romantic moments and life altering vacations. We have feelings of deep connections with ourselves and our partner, more importantly we envision a future of greatness and that 2 of you is better than a 1. The decision to whom you marry will be the biggest decision you might ever make, for that person can make or break your future. You are emotionally and physically ’buying’ into a contract.
As we grow older we not only change on the outside we change on the inside and what is important to us shifts. Everyone wants to be loved but how that love is expressed differs greatly and these differences become very apparent when our needs begin to no longer be met. And these are the differences that push drives us to divorce.
Partners ask for emotional connection in different ways. While one person complains (not understanding that this behavior pushes people further away) for attention while another might initiate a conversation hoping for a emotional change from their partner. By slowly losing an emotional connection we start to open up to other life options such as a change of a jobs, more friends outside of the marriage, material things and spending more and more time away from one another. These can all be emotional red flags. Divorce says ‘my needs are not being met’. Knowing that your marriage is not going to end with each other dying as a couple can be so painful that most either avoid divorcing and live with unmet needs or couples become so aggressive towards each other that all communication becomes futile and neither party can hear the other. Some marriages boarder line on emotional abuse. Frustration can and will bring the worst out in all of us. Most likely each person in a divorce has been hurt, felt used and have not been heard. The longer we stay where we are not loved, respected or supported the more it wears down our self esteem and confidence marking the debt into our souls.
How to read signs in yourself and your partner of the lost of a connection:
Eye contact: are you looking into your partner’s eyes. Are you seeing their face and their physical responces? Communication is 99% non-verbal. The gestures we make with our hands, posture, our silences, how fast or loud we speak and even the slight tones of our voices are signals of conscious and unconscious intentions. The beauty of this nonverbal communication is when 2 (or more) people are truly together they develop a ‘language’ that is specially unique to them. That’s what makes relationships so great, that words become unnecessary.
Time: this is big. How much time do you spend just being with your partner or your partner with you? Are you enjoying not answering the phone, texts or emails but rather relaxing with your partner?
Listening: to hear your partner (or anyone for that matter) means that you are listening to hear and not to respond nor react. Are you opening up your whole being to the feelings of yourself and your partner? Listening takes all of you.
Breathing: the best way to see how someone feels about you is their breathing. Slow deep breathing shows they are having feelings of security. Shallow breathing is feelings of tension, fear and a lack of emotional connection. Listening to both your breathing patterns and your partner’s can all the information you need to gage how things are between the two of you.
Making plans: Are you and your partner planning future activities together? ‘Together’ is everything. Having you or your partner make all the social planning can and does disconnect the strongest of couples. Having an invested interest means that both of you are planning an emotional intimacy. Physically being somewhere without the emotional connection can be the loneliest place on earth.
Consistency: Do what you say you are going to do, a follow through time and time again keeps couples connected.
Date night: need I say more!
It is said: when a woman is done- she is done! Why?, because she has already held the relationship together longer than her partner. She has given more of herself than she has kept. She is spent and a part of her is no longer whole. That is no way in saying that men do not hold the family together but in 75% of marriages it is the woman who initiates the end where by men start to work on something after it has been broken, leaving men confused. But understanding the value of emotional connection has become more important than ever before.
The end is here, what next?
In ancient times we would celebrate and embrace change of all kinds. As a society we would gather and recognize each others shift and uplift them as our own. Something significant as divorce there is very little embracing. Only a change. This is where we can make the biggest difference by listening and supporting our so to-be-exes feelings, needs and fears and still stay grounded within our own being. When blame, shame and a disregard to one another’s thoughts take over then healing will take that much longer. Sometimes many lifetimes. True healing happens when we have given into the rawness, the fear and the realization of being alone again. Healing enters when we no longer fight, but rather feel hear the truth with our whole being. Sometimes giving the angered spouse space and time to adjust is what is needed. For a completion to occur one must detach themselves from the other’s energy allowing the soul to move on and to start over, allowing our souls free to explore the next chapter of your life..
By Jennifer Sharpe
Life Coach, Holistic Health Practitioner, Orthopedic Rehabilitation trainer, CHEK Practitioner 2, NLC 3, Author, Owner of JS Strength & Conditioning in Alameda, CA., Starter of Non-profit: http://bagsofstrength.yolasite.com bags of essentials for the homeless, and an Equestrian Eventer and Dressage competitor with her 19 year old horse-‘El Mirador’.