You are very concerned.
I am different. I have changed.
My once meticulous house is now a disaster. There are weeds growing in my garden. My "helicopter parent"-ing skills have taken a nose dive. I send my kids to school with odd socks and dirty fingernails and un-brushed hair. There are...(gasp)....potato chips in my pantry cupboard. I don't answer my phone very often anymore and seldom apologize. Not only that, but I'm not even anxious that the bills aren't paid......or when I haven't made a sale in a week.....or when I'm late for an appointment. It appears that I might be falling apart over here.
But I don't seem to be crazy (well, maybe a bit). I mean, I've been acting a little more kooky, and definitely more spontaneous than ever before, but at the same time somehow more solid, too. It kind of doesn't make sense.
You wonder if I'm depressed, seeing as it appears I have lost interest in so many of the things that once took up so much of my time, but it seems clear by my exuberant behaviour and the smile on my face that that just isn't the case at all.
No....it seems quite the opposite.
But, how can it be that so many of the things that took up so much of my time and energy just don't seem to matter anymore? And how can I not feel guilty about letting all of these things go? Don't I feel badly? What will people think?
Well, here's the honest truth and it may disappoint you, but......No, I don't, and I don't care.
Because in three short words:
I AM FREE.
Luckily I couldn't keep up! Thank God I set such impossibly high standards for myself! I'm so glad I couldn't achieve them! And wow, am I ever thankful for perfectionism!!
HAHA....don't I just sound contradictory! Don't I just sounds crazy?!!
Now, please let me explain.
I see that these things were all just a great big distraction keeping me from the AMAZING life that awaited me. They kept me in a cycle of wishing, striving, doing. They were the proverbial carrot to chase: That promise of, "When all of this is achieved my life will be perfect. Then I will be able to relax...to enjoy my husband and kids....to do all of those things that I love to do. First this, then the rest." I see now that these "good habits" kept me neat and tidy and out of the way of the already perfect present moment, and trapped in a cycle of fear. Because if I couldn't keep up, or God forbid, I fell out of that cycle altogether my life might just fall to pieces. I might just crumble.
Well, the truth is that I didn't crumble. Certainly I have lost a big part of my outer shell, and as time rolls on I continue to shed many protective, conditioned layers, but I am delighted to see what's underneath: My beautiful, solid, RADIANT inner core!
Not only that, I discovered something wonderful through not being able to keep up.
I discovered my BEAUTIFUL life!
The only thing that crumbled was the illusion that I was keeping in place with all of those things. The script in my head finally stopped and everything became quiet. And with the illusion and the script gone, all I can see is what is truly important to me. I see that my peace, my happiness....the life that I was searching for was there all along underneath all of the doing and the striving and the hoping and the fear. It was right there in the present moment.
I found the gift in what was already there.