Sally is in a relationship with Rob, her boyfriend of 2 years. They love each other and share some fun together yet there is this unpredictable negative dynamic that surfaces often. It brings heartache and pain to their lives and a negative shift in how they feel about love and themselves when they are together.

Does this sound like something you have been living for a while and you are wondering if this is the new trend in relationships?

It is very normal to go through ups and downs in relationships. It is healthy to feel angry, sad sometimes as long as you come to an understanding, allow yourself to be completely vulnerable and honest so you can grow and deepen your bond with your partner.

On the opposite side, sometimes we go through an unhealthy relationship for a long time that causes a lot  damage to our psyche without even being aware of what is going on.

So, below is a brief checklist that could help you identify the signs of an unhealthy dynamic you have with your partner:

  1. Insults. The need to insult your partner on purpose so you can feel good about yourself.
  2. Emotional abuse. Hurt each other on purpose so he/she can feel the pain you are going through and so that you can be heard.
  3. Being selfish. In the negative sense and doing only what is good for you and what makes you happy regardless if this is compromising the relationship you have.
  4. Cheating. That’s a very stinky one! Feeling the need to be with someone else so you can get your needs met, instead of facing your fears of intimacy and asking your partner what you need them to do to support you.
  5. Physical abuse. Whether it was you or your partner, physical abuse is a recipe for emotional, physical and spiritual injuries and is NOT acceptable under any circumstances.
  6. Dishonesty. Feeling that you need to lie to get your partner to show you love or to cover up for your mistakes. Do you really want this in your life?
  7. Blaming. Not being responsible for your actions, for your feelings and for your needs. Projecting your mistakes on your partner so that you don’t face what’s going on within you.
  8. Fighting instead of communicating.  Screaming, yelling and sabotaging your relationship because you are afraid of speaking your truth like an adult.
  9. Self-hatred and unhappiness. Feeling unworthy, ugly, not good enough, being angry, seeing the bad and forgetting the good in yourself.
  10. Pretense. Pretending to be someone you are not, covering up for   who you actually are, what you like, what you dislike because you are scared of not being loved and not being accepted.
  11. Insecurity. You don’t feel safe being with your partner. You are always afraid that he/she might leave you for someone else.
  12. Drama. When so many repetitive unresolvable fights, blame and so many people including “in-laws” get involved to give their opinion about the relationship.
  13. Arrogance. Looking down at your partner because you are in a better social class and you can get anyone you want at any time.
  14. Gold digger. You are just with your partner because they make you feel financially secure and get your materialistic wants realized.


So, if you have any of the symptoms mentioned above, that might be a sign that something REALLY deep needs to shift in your relationship with yourself first and then your partner. Never give up on a relationship before you do everything you could possibly do to make it last and that all starts from within yourself.

Your relationship with your partner is a reflection of your relationship with yourself. So, Examine how you feel about yourself, take this list and see if you use the same behavior towards yourself and then ask yourself: What makes me happy? Unhappy? How can I meet my own needs first and what do I need my partner to do to meet the rest of them? What is triggering this dynamic between me and my partner? Why do I feel I need to be dishonest so I can get what I want? What is keeping me from being myself fully and openly? What is really scaring me from being in a healthy relationship? Finally, what is my definition of a healthy relationship? You can read my previous article about the secrets that keep happy couples together to get positive tips on helping your relationship grow.

 

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