Happy New Year conscious relationship seekers! I hope your festivities over Christmas and your transition to 2011 was happy and healthy.
Are you ready for this year? I am. An energy of “raring to go” has set in and I want what’s on offer! Blog titles have been flooding from mind to iPhone over Christmas and so to open the flood gates I felt I wanted to ask you one question right before we kick this year off in earnest.
What needs to change in your love life this year that you have been putting off because “it’s complicated?”
If you are deliriously happy either single, dating or married then you probably won’t feel compelled to read any further. If you aren’t, then here are a few movie scenes your love life may be following that make you feel like shouting “cut!”
1) You are a 40 something single gal or guy and feel that love is starting to pass you by. a. Girls, the body clock maybe literally be screaming by now and is propelling you, like supermarket sweep, around various drinking establishments with a “man” trolley and in the vain hopes of bagging that special baby making machine. b. Guys you have not discussed it with your mates, because it’s not on the Friday night agenda, but find yourself shedding a forbidden tear at the latest chick flick over your takeaway. You chat endlessly over dinners with friends about love and finding someone and analyse about “should I have done that much partying?” or “should I have travelled for that long?” because I am 40+ and still on my own.
2) You may be in a relationship that has all the hallmarks of “not going anywhere”, because you have been round the conflict ferris wheel too many times and things are just not changing. You want to spend more and more time away from the house and randomly find yourself at an 8 week tiddly wink course at the local FE college because that’s more fun!
3) You may have young children and are finding your relationship less and less connected and pleasurable because you are ploughing all your energy and efforts into parenting and never seem to have the drive to find qt (quality time) because sleep deprivation is your number one relationship achilles heel.
4) You are in a relationship that is abusive and controlling and have been experiencing pain and emotional upheaval for too long now but don’t quite know what to do, so you rode it out through Christmas. The nagging doubts and friends advice is calling you to action.
5) You are single. Your last relationship was tough and emotional and took a long time to resolve and move on from in your mind and heart. You want to love but are scared to.
6) You are single, you want to be with someone. Dating sites next for me, is your January mantra!
I am sure there are more of you out there with other things going on but you get the picture. So you are where you are, but conscious love evades your life.
Well, first off it starts with a game of choices. Change things or not. It’s up to you. People will observe you in love and give advice when they think you want it but the point of change is finite and unique. My beloved is a therapist and will ask his clients “have you suffered enough?” A great question to initiate the choice to change, but we do suffer until we don’t want to any more.
2011 is your love year and you want it to be different. You make a choice to say a huge yes to changing the way things are, but then what?
Here’s my take on some things you could look at, in order to proceed with whatever situation and resolution you decide to put into action.
1) He/she won’t change. If you are in a relationship make sure your resolution doesn’t rely on expecting your honey to change. You can only change yourself. Oldie but a goodie. If your partner is abusive you can choose to walk away or try and find a way of communicating your boundaries and desires. Telling them they need to “see someone” or pushing them to sort themselves out is their business as Byron Katie would say.
2) Spiritual / self development work. If you are a self developer, have sought some form of therapy over the years or have done a shed load of workshops, good for you! I believe all the self help stuff is great as long as you don’t just wear the “done that” badge, but embrace fully what you have learned. Know that all that stuff doesn’t make relationships chug along smoothly towards happily ever after. Self development and spirituality don’t equal perfect intimate relationships even if both of you are “tooled” up from seminars etc. I have observed lots of people in the last year who assume that self healing means “job done” in their relationship. Sadly it is not the case. The conditions for healing and growth from childhood into full mature adulthood can only be done with two and must be consciously entered into by both people.
3) Self awareness is crucial. Unless you know and own what is coming from you and accept what you are doing to create your part in your reality then you can’t see what and where to change. Obvious really. Then leading on from this, you must take responsibility for yourself and your actions if you are going to change.
4) Be discerning. If you are single and want the real deal conscious relationship and are starting to venture out there into the relationship sweet shop, find a chunk of discernment. Hold back if you meet someone new and find out about them. If, like me, you are the type of person who falls in lust easily and are physically motivated, fine. You will, however, do that thing so many times before you need to look at it and be more discerning. What do you really want? Don’t bargain for love. Offering sex to get love, for example, is not gonna cut it ladies. Trust me I have been there. Go out, meet people, but know and speak of the things you want. It is not a game of “please love me I’ll do whatever it takes”. It is “this is who I am and these are the things that feel good for me in a relationship”. Many people, I was one of them, jump blindly in and get hurt because all the ingredients that make up what they want in a partner are sadly lacking because in essence they are desperate to be loved. Open your eyes early on!
5) Self truth. Own up to your own truth. Do it right now......what is the truth about your love life? Many people say they are “ok” single or in a dysfunctional relationship, but aren’t. Kidding others may be acceptable but kidding yourself is ultimately depriving. If you are putting up with a relationship that is unhealthy but you feel you should stay for the sake of their feelings or are scared of them, then ask yourself this. If God said “you have a week to live, I want you to go get what I always wanted for you, happiness and joy”, would you stay in that relationship as it is or make changes in a second? Live like everyday happiness is your birthright. Do what feels good for you and within your own integrity. As you gradually become more truthful with you and others, life has more meaning and happiness appears as if by magic.
6) Education. If your resolution is about finding out more about what you are doing to create your love dilemmas, good for you! We are taught about sex ed in school but not how to have a relationship, from which it results. Madness! I am all about education and knowledge every time now. You wouldn’t drive a car with knowing how to right? Relationship dynamics are fascinating. 3 years ago I discovered than even after 25 years of being in one relationship or another, I had no real idea what was going on and why, for example, I was attracting the men I was. Go on courses, read books about relationships, get the knowledge. This is my life work. Get in touch to see how Conscious Union can help you. You can choose from, books, workshops, calls, 1:1s and more. You don’t have to spend 25 years blindly trying to work it out like I did!
7) Communication. Your resolution may be to try and talk things out with your honey because the scene is less than rosy right now. Being in a relationship is a never ending process of flexibility and movement on a daily basis. You work together to make a better world and create your part in the global love jigsaw, but things change so quickly , get tough and stagnate sometimes overnight, if this constant state of relational movement is not kept going. Nearly every relationship that fails, does so because of disconnection and failure to hear and understand each other’s needs and desires. From childhood we learn a bag of communication tools which in adulthood we deploy to get through life, because that’s all we know. Divinely, men and women rock up together with complimentary opposite ways of communicating. All well and good, but when the conflict hits which can last donkeys years, learning a new way is essential before it’s too late. I teach a dialogue technique that firstly creates a platform of safety, then sets the scene for reconnection and lastly helps you enjoy really hearing and getting what each other is trying to say. We all want our relationships to last so we must own our part in making the changes. Get in touch if you would love to learn this valuable way to re-communicate your love.
Well I could go on for hours more, but I feel a gentle closure coming. So my friends, whatever your love resolution for this year, I wish you well. Simply setting the intent to have the love you so deserve will set the energy shifting and moving in the right direction. The Law of Attraction is ever at play. Be brave, grab courage by the throat and know that only your good is trying to happen every day of your life. It is a choice to let it in or keep it out.
Blessings and love for a wonderful month!