What does freedom in a relationship mean to you? And what does giving freedom to your partner feel like?
The second question pushes some of my buttons because I desire for Joel to be ultimately free to be himself and ‘separately connected’ to me (in Imago language), but it also brings up fears around “but if I allow him be that free, what if he leaves me eventually?” Do you recognise this feeling?
We all want freedom but, in truth, don’t want to allow our partners the same freedom, even if we intend it. We want to set the scene in the relationship around what is acceptable to us and not. Eek! As I write this I know I have done this and look for places that perhaps I still do!
Ask yourself. “Am I free?” and “Is my partner free to be with me?” Critical questions on the road to nurturing the right relationship.
I often see couples battling their relationship out on my couch but watch the battle of ownership too. Think of our ownership labels “My wife.. my boyfriend.” Not alot we can do to change that but the words are loaded with actions of ownership in the process. No-one is yours. We journey with people that’s all.
The paradox is, we are not in control of anything, ever and certainly not of someone else. Best get that one embedded right now.
A shock, but life, the Universe, God (whatever!) is our puppeteer and we are divinely guided in every moment. If your time with someone is meant to end, it will in whatever way it is designed to happen. I believe that inherently we know this but in the fearing of it, we created the word and energy of ‘control’ to try and cope and keep ourselves protected.
Most of us are control freaks on some level and it really shows up in relationships where the greatest fear seems to be the loss of love which is often driving our every movement with our partner, sometimes to the point where the relationship is not at all enjoyable to either person.
Some of us hold love out because we fear losing it, so why let it in, in the first place. Or we let it in every time, and then constantly watch for signs of it leaving. Utter madness, but sadly we all do it at some point. And what is the price? Relational freedom.
Relationships suffer many forms of lack of freedom which all stem from our own. If I am not free the relationship suffers and my partner.
Some of the signs of lack of freedom within your relationship
1) Conversations turn into angst ridden battles of the wills. Who is right and who is not! This is often born out of trying to get your needs met and not focusing on what the relationship needs from you in the moment.
2) You come and go as you like on nights out but if your partner threatens a night out, you find ways to persuade them to stay at home or vice versa.
3) Your relationship is symbiotic and one sided. You both get something out of it, but it’s an unhealthy balance of one person keeping the other happy and pretending they are happy too.
4) When you are out in company you find yourself worrying about who your partner is talking to and where they are during the evening.
5) You/they feel needy for attention and keep wanting demonstrations of love to feed the lack of self love.
6) You or they create rules in the relationship in an attempt to assuage the inner fear of loss.
7) You are always trying to change each other.
8) You or your partner avoid deep and meaningful conversations in case some ugly truths surface.
9) Reactive behaviour rather than active behaviour.
10) You or they are always trying to keep the relationship happy and rarely allow the experience of bad or off days. This can be common among spiritually or self developed people who think that alot of negative emotions should have been worked through “by now” and so one or both partners are worried about being really authentic.
Freedom equates to authenticity and is about allowing yourself to be authentic first and foremost and this in turn offers the same to your partner. You were put here to be you! It’s your birthright, your divine prize, your absolute ‘must do’ while here in this body. EVERYBODY SAY YAY!
Life is about the good AND the bad, the nice and nasty, the ups and downs and the expansion and contraction. It’s natural and just the way it is.
Freedom comes in the allowing and the allowing is not a doing but a state of being!
I offer you no tips in this blog because freedom is here for you right now. It is a choice and you don’t need a “how to” on this, trust yourself! Just intend freedom to be with you right now.
As Mali and Joe say in my latest must read book, The Soulmate Experience, in their chapter entitled Creating a Context, set a higher possibility in your current or future relationship, that freedom to be authentically connected is your goal and what you will both live by.
Freedom will melt your heart and the fear and will dissolve many of the daily problems in your relationships. I know from experience that, with a little practise and a whole lot of intention, you will manifest freedom in abundance.
‘Til next time
Blessings and love