I love the feeling of writing this because I know I have been a keen watcher of people who have “the eye” over the years. I was indeed many a time on the receiving end of boyfriends past, who had the eye.

I have heard a gazillion times “oh he /she definitely has the eye.”  It seemed a common phrase when I was in my 20’s.

Let’s start by defining what I mean by “the eye.” Visualise this scene for a moment. 

You are out with your honey at a party. You are having a great time but you notice the space by your side most of the evening because they are off chatting and mingling with others. Now many people love that their partners are free to roam and chat but what about when they find certain people more interesting than you, even though they swear blind that you are imagining it? 

You begin to notice they are honing in on one particular person. Their body language smells of “interested” and there is some perceived flirting going on. You feel a small panic rising within but berate yourself for feeling it and push it away. The very next week you are out and the same thing occurs and when they are with you they seem intent on not showing you affection and seem a little standoffish. 

Now some people might not be so obvious about it. You just catch them gazing surreptitiously at other gorgeous people, or maybe just looking at one particular person. These are people who have “the eye” i.e an eye elsewhere that can say “not currently fulfilled here”.

Have you ever spectated upon couple where it’s happening? It’s often so sad and horrid for the other person. Victims of “eyers” have told me they feel unloved, worthless, not enough, insignificant. How sad if they can’t articulate it to their beloved for fear often of losing them.

As I always say with everything. It is a feeling and an energy deep down inside that tells you when things are not right. Never ignore it because you are usually right!

So what maybe be happening if you think your beloved has the eye? 

1) They may just love people and have no intention whatsoever in upsetting you and they may not even know they are doing it (been there...doh!).

2) They maybe be a good chunk younger than you (or not) and still wanting to be out there having a good time. It may be a cry for freedom.  If you are having what you feel to be a relationship, they may have different ideas about what that looks like. This could mean that they are not ready to commit.

3) They may not have matured in the relationship and this behaviour is a growth edge being reached.

4) They may be honeymoon junkies or excitement experts. It’s true that the feeling of newness of someone and flirtatiousness is an elixir but it’s not sustainable and EVERY relationship experiences a wearing off of these feelings. The early feelings are designed to bond you for the next stage of healing and growth from childhood. Be warned!

You may be the one with the eye and identify with one of the above!? Whatever the who’s who, it is usually, but not exclusively, a sign that something is up.

How do you fix it?

The danger with people having the perceived eye is that their partners can get triggered into enormous reactions sometimes and many times have I seen a painful fracas erupt in public. 

1) First and all. HOLD ON! If you think your honey’s eye is ‘a roving  then bring it to their attention with gentle awareness. If you accuse, judge and criticize then what reaction do you expect back? Easier said than done I hear you, but a conscious relationship always focuses on the relational space and asks “how can I bring this to the attention of my partner without wounding them?”

2) EXPLAIN HOW YOU FEEL and NOT what they are doing to upset you. What you think they may be up to is only your assumption. We can get it so wrong at this point so stick to what you are feeling inside.

3) ASK for what you need to help you feel better. People usually react to feeling very unsafe when they see their honey with the eye because fear of losing them to someone else, is foremost in their minds. Ask your honey to give you a cuddle or a kiss to help you feel safe when you are out, for example.

4) EXPLORE what they are thinking and feeling and LISTEN without butting in. Many people interject, talk over and butt their partners attempts to talk and that can quickly degenerate into arguments. You could choose to mirror (repeat back to them) what they are saying so you really get it. It is surprising how many of us get it wrong!

5) ASK QUESTIONS about the relationship and where you feel it is going and what your goals are for it. Here you may find that you or your partner just have different views and one of you isn’t really up for the long term. So many people avoid this discussion but, my dears, if you never find out, years can be wasted, affairs may happen and a whole dollop of heartache can happen.

6) BE CLEAR about your boundaries. What doesn’t feel right? Chatting up other people when you are together is not an acceptable thing in the relationship. The more you are clear about what you want and will and won’t accept, the healthier the relationship and usually the more your partner will respect you. Some people push the boundaries as much as they can because their beau doesn’t know how far they can go. You experience more love in a boundaried relationship. Trust me. 

People with the eye can be saying a whole load of things to people around them, not least their partners. At the end the of day, the ancient saying “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” holds very true here. If you have the eye then what are you doing to your man/women and vice versa? The beauty of conscious relationships is being able to step into each other’s shoes every time.

Blessings and love

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Comment by Gina Hardy on March 23, 2011 at 5:59am
I hear you Darlene. Thanks for your very valid comments. 'Tis a tricky on eh!? It can mean so many things and well we all have eyes and have perfect right to look at who we choose BUT there is a distinct difference and when we are upsetting our partners because of it then the relationship needs to own it and dare to look at it with kind communication but with total authenticity. I find that when a better understanding of fears are heard and aired then deeper love and compassion often follows...its when we react and keep stuff to ourselves that things fester! Always best to be open in my book! 
Comment by Darlene McPeek Kancharla on March 23, 2011 at 2:21am
this is so funny, but sad, too... well, i used to bring this stuff up openly, as i think it is good to be open. in the best circumstances, among friends, you can make it a joke of sorts. once, for example, i had a friend who used to gaze at the behinds of girls who walked by our table. once, when we were in montreal, this happened. i used to go ring out with "body part alert" and make an alarm sound... :) well, after a while, he decided he did not like the alarm sound, and alert, so he stopped doing this. :) ... in other cases, among those whose friendship was not so strong, maybe the eye thing was not admitted to. well, i know my gut and confession is not necessary. in any case, a person who really loves you does not look at other women's behinds or whatever. that is how i see it. ... but, some are just that way. i have a friend who has 4 kids and is married for 15 years now. he looks at everything that walks and is loyal other than that. so i guess there are exceptions to the rule. however, i know his wife does not like this at all. ... i guess we try to be understanding to each other's needs. for me, though, i don't accept this. ... it is best, though, to have an opinion of setting the other free. but if the other one does not want to be free, then please be attentive. :)

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