When we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while it’s frustrating, disheartening and we run the gambit of emotion from ‘I need to be a mother’ to ‘It’s never gonna happen’. It’s a super emotional time and we can feel like a failure. Why can our best friend, our sister and everyone on the planet have a baby, and we can’t?? “I should be pregnant by now.”
￼I totally get why it feels like that. I hear this and other
￼beliefs all the time in my holistic fertility practice- where
￼these smart, driven women have no idea that these beliefs
￼(that aren’t actually true) are tanking their fertility juju.
￼So what is a belief??
￼A belief is a thought we think over and over... and over-
￼until it feels true. And it can rule what we do and how/if we
￼accept things into our life.
￼Our brain (ego) will hang on for dear life to these beliefs
￼A) It wants to be right
￼B) It wants to keep you alive.
￼The body’s fight or flight response is triggered in the
￼amygdalae of the brain and the adrenals. And when our
￼body senses a threat, the brain can literally put the kibosh
￼on the functioning of our endocrine system and the lady
￼parts. It means well, this brain of ours. And it was super
￼helpful when we were being chased by wolves, but no so
￼much when we’re trying to conceive.
￼Many of these beliefs that we are carrying around we either
￼think we’ve dealt with or we just have no clue they’re even
￼there. They’re like elevator muzak you don’t realize is even
￼playing until you pay attention to it. These sneaky beliefs can be so damaging and most of us have no clue. It’s so important to become aware of these beliefs because we as humans can spend weeks, months, years spinning our wheels in the energy of “ I should be” or “It shouldn’t be”. It takes so much energy to stay in that place of constriction, worry and disappointment. It’s exhausting; and it’s a ton of energy that you’re not sending forward to what you want.
“I should be pregnant by now”.
Anytime we think something "should be" or "shouldn't be" other than what it IS- it’s not true. And man, that’s a tough pill to swallow. That’s actually where most of us keep ourselves stuck- the anger, the frustration that something is happening in a way other than what we expected or wanted.
Being in "What Is"
￼When we’re in what is, we aren’t stressed about the situation. We’re only stressed when we think our situation should be other than what it is. It just means that we are being present and accepting the situation as it is, so that we can then take￼steps forward. By no means does “what is” mean that by￼accepting the situation, you’re allowing yourself to be run￼over or mauled by life. "What is" can still suck- we don’t have to be happy about it, but when we start from that neutral place of “Ok here’s what is, I’m not thrilled about it. Over here is what I’d love, so what steps can I take to get there”. That’s a much more calm, in charge of your life feeling than “But it should be this way, it should be! I don’t understand why it’s not because I should be pregnant by now".
￼That stresses me out just writing that. And being in that
￼state for a long period of time is draining. And it’s a ton of
￼energy that can’t move forward. So often we aren’t even
￼aware that this is running in the background and affecting
￼us. It’s like having too many apps open on your iphone-
￼your battery drains so much faster. And then our phone
￼can’t do what we need it to do for as long as we need it to.
￼So it’s just a little bit of awareness, “I need to shut these down so that my phone can function better”.
You can do the same with your body. Your thoughts affect your physical body; so when we clean up our thoughts, our bodies can function better.
The fact is, if the situation should be different, it would be. If it shouldn't have happened, it wouldn’t have. So can we go into this in almost an exploratory, experimental, petri- dish kind of way and say:
￼“Huh. I think I should be pregnant by now. But if
I should have been pregnant by now, I would have been. So what are some reasons why it maybe wasn’t the right time up until now?”
￼And this is your exercise:
￼Brainstorm a list of why it hasn’t been the right time before
￼· Did you move?
￼· Change jobs?
￼· Is your job really stressful?
￼· Were you or your partner out of work for a period of
￼· Were you grieving a death in the family?
￼· Was your relationship solid?
￼I guarantee there’s one or more reasons. And make sure you write them down. There’s something that clicks for the brain when you write it, and then look at it. Like, “Oh no wonder! That timing would have been really stressful”. It can also make us realize we’re not a failure, and can be a little more in control of our process once we realize we can get out of our own way when we examine these beliefs. Then try writing a list of why now is the right time. For example:
￼· Our relationship is better than ever
￼· We are financially stable
￼· We bought a house with enough room
￼· My job is less demanding than it used to be
￼And if you have trouble doing this, maybe it brings to light
￼some things we want to adjust. If things aren’t happening
￼when you think they “should”, see if you can inquire why.
￼It will move your energy way faster than wishing it were
￼other than it is.
￼One of my clients was spinning in this belief big time. She had been trying for three years and was feeling so frustrated and like a failure. But when she did this exercise she realized that in those three years they had bought a house, her and her husband each changed jobs twice, she was working in a toxic work environment and had severe anxiety attacks. Not so conducive to baby baking. After seeing that on paper, her brain calmed down and she realized she shouldn't have been pregnant then. Then she did her list of why now is a great time. And it worked. She gave birth to twin boys in June!
The fertility process can be very overwhelming, but there are things we can do to take charge of it. KNOW that you can do this mama; and I wish you the best on your journey.
A'ndrea Reiter is a Reiki Master & Intuitive Coach specializing in a mind-body approach to fertility. She uses a combination of reiki, intuition and mindset coaching to move women through the emotional and physical blocks that are impeding them from conceiving naturally. For more info, visit www.FusionFertility.com or follow on Twitter @FusionFertility