As a Medium, death looks different, somehow knowing that there is life on the other side of death, that loved ones communicate clearly their hopes for those left behind, their love and of course wants, needs and regret makes it easier, unless it’s one of your own.
July 4,2018 my mother was admitted to hospital drastically changing my life. On July 7, she was given her walking papers and had 2 months to get things in order, to say good bye to this life and her new adventure would begin.
Nothing could prepare you for losing a mother, but the practical kicks and and you do the things that are required. Mom wanted a home Death, given my past of a Paleative NA, and Truama Scene Clean up, it seemed natural to do this for my mother.
There are so many emotions and dynamics when someone is given a diagnosis of terminal cancer, and how our medical care has changed. Mom couldn’t wait to come home given our many mind blowing experiences with the hospital. Everything from overdosing to gross negligence one thing I learned is that hospital personnel do not communicate, you expect Doctors to be on their game but at the end of day they are just people with work loads too large making it impossible for the most part to provide adiqute care.
Mom began her transitions quickly, she wanted to be aware and present, not over medicated, she wanted a chance to greive her own passing, to say her good byes and make peace with this life before she began her next Journey.
I will never forget this experience, it was the most beautiful yet profoundly painful all at the same time. I’d lay in my bed watching her from hers as she would journal, read her bible cry and have conversations with deceased loved ones who came and went.
Even a few she didn’t know, she would tell them they weren’t suppose to be here, as a Medium I usually have at least one or two stray souls hanging around wanting assistance ,trying to get my attention by manipulating the electronics or making their presence know. Didn’t take mom long to boot them out too! Always brought a smile to my face at her responses and conversations.
Growing up, mom was very Intuitive , reading palms or tarot cards using a regular deck of playing cards and tea leaves were her specialty. As kids we always had some creepy experiences too, well at least I did as a Medium, I never remember not seeing or experiences Spirits.
Things had been going smoothly as far as her care, funny how everyone handles death differently so needless to say my siblings weren’t where I was as far as being open to walk through death openly with my mother. But in all fairness they also don’t really embrace their gifts, I tend to for the most part be the only one for a few generations.
Moms transitions seemed to be escalating, family drew nearer, and 4 days before her passing, My apartment flooded. There was mom in the centre of her room, with oxygen tanks and her bed plugged in with inches of water covering my floors. 3 am, the witching hour mom use to say. I can remember feeling numb, watching a pink slipper float by me wondering what I was going to do, I didn’t want to take my mom who was so far away now, she lay there seemingly unaware of her surroundings running her fingers through her hair. No other choice but to take her to the hospital which was the last place she wanted to be.
As we left my waterlogged apartment, my mom, my Aunt, and myself loaded in the Ambulance. The hospital put her in a shared room but a few short hours later, we were in the death room as mom worked her way through her final days. Time flew by, I reached out to hold my moms had and she became very agitated as she shouted at me “ don’t touch me, you stand back, I see death when you touch me” tears formed in my eyes as she explained I’d thank her later. My mom has never refused to hold my hand in my life, but I understood at the same time. I don’t think she understood the depths of my gifts to their full extent until that moment, nor did I for that matter, It was such a profound moment that on one hand my work is all about adding life and flow but there is the other aspect of letting go.
The part I found most interesting was that mom spent her life, struggling with prescription addictions, but she refused anything that would make her loopy as she would call it.
Mom faced death with so much grace, such strength I truly have not experienced death quite like this and I’ve seen death LOTS, even danced with it myself a few times. The day before her passing she rallied, even asked for dinner, ate, joked around and then as the night grew to a close, mom called to me, barely could see her in her eyes anymore, she whispered in my ear, hold me and don’t leave me please, I love you baby girl. With that I knew this was it, I was assisting mom to cross over. I crawled into bed with her, slipped my arm under her pillow and she nestled her head on my chest and never regained consciousness. She struggled that day with her final transcend, her breathing was harsh and as the family went away, was just mom and my aunt. We shared light conversation of memories, spoke about music and moms likes.
By morning she was gone, looking at her body, which was empty her soul left so quickly she didn’t waste any time.
Walking with Death is powerful, you allow your loved one to work through their stages of grief which is the same for all of us.
Disbelief or denial , my family including mom was stuck here for weeks, I remember feeling impatient even angry that they were wasting prescious time, I forget that death does not come easy for most people, and it’s an important part of the process so have patients with yourself and others, don’t worry they will catch up.
Anger, boy did this catch up to mom, she was a sweet quiet lady but she was dishing out the anger and really who could blame her? She was faced with a life of regret, forced to look at her short comings that brought her to this moment and facing her own mortality, I’d be pissed off too! So remember the anger isn’t about you, let your loved one be angry.
Depression, this was the toughest part, mom would cry all night long, her sobs were deep soul cries, which left me helpless, the only thing I could do was crawl in bed with her and hold her while she cried, again if you can let them be sad, hold them and be kind to yourself and your loved one.
Bargaining, this was also a tough one because mom came here a few times, kept asking everyone to “push the button for more life” a button which only she could see. She would become frustrated because I wasn’t allowed to push it for more time and she would say, well that’s that then.
No need to discuss regrets or the should couldas, because at this stage you are way past this and really it serves no purpose to make your loved one experience more anguish and heartache they are very much aware of what could have been different way before they got to this stage.
Acceptance, man this was a hard one to swallow because each stage brought acceptance and to watch mom process so gracefully caused me to have such a new respect and love for my mother. Your acceptance, well that may take longer so be kind with yourself as you walk through this.
Mom took her last breath in the early morning of August 24,2018 and immediately came through as we all left the hospital and piled into the nearest vehicle. She switched the radio station to the song my Aunt and I had discussed the night before, Crazy Train by Ozzy, her way of saying I heard everything and I’m right here and ain’t am ok.
Took weeks before I could get back into my apartment, walked in with moms ashes, the flowers from the funeral put her pjs on and wept as I held my moms urn close to me. The pain so unbareable, it was now my time to process and begin the stages of grief. Until that moment I had never experienced a soul cry. And while I am still walking through this great loss, each day becomes a bit more tolerable than the last, and even knowing everything I know and teach my students or my clients, it is something I have to allow is this human process of letting someone go, and while you may lose the physical body, the soul can be found in the depth of your eyes every time you look in the Mirror.